Self harm

When Minty was around 12, she was involved in a court trial. The process started when she was around 8 years old and eventuated into said court trial.

Around the same time of this cafuffle, a girl in her class was upset, crying in the toilet cubicle at school. Her friend was saying that she wanted to die and that she had a piece of glass. She threatened to hurt herself. Some how she got her upset friend out and had taken the piece of glass off her.

When no one was watching, she slashed at her arm with the glass. The first time was more of a paper cut. She tried again and sure enough, with a short inhalation of surprise her mind went blank for a split second. It was kind of exciting. Why would anyone want to do this she wondered?

Puberty doesn’t help with the end of a trial and court case looming over you. So many hormones, so many thoughts. So many imaginary expectations. She just wanted it to stop. As if she had burdened everyone. I remember her saying to someone that this was a waste of tax payers money. If I could go back and give her some advice it would be.. man the fuck up, what you do now and the choices you make are important! Okay, I wouldn’t actually say all of that.. but something along those lines.

It was around this point where her moods swang the lowest they had ever been before. Maybe this was normal, it never occurred to her that perhaps it wasn’t.

Minty was 12 when she first cut herself with the intention of hurting herself. Not out of curiosity. The aim was to bleed. The aim was to use that pain in order to numb her mind.

She tried hard to hide her cuts. She wasn’t very clever with where she would cut. If she could have kept them hidden forever then she would of. Eventually another student had informed a teacher about what she had seen on Mintys wrists. This made her really angry. Little did she know the journey she was about to embark on. That’s for another post though.

Self inflicted pain comes with an immensely euphoric after taste. You lie back and sigh. What a rush. If you do it enough times at once, all of that adrenaline tires you out. I remember nights where she would fall asleep feeling as if a weight had been lifted off her. Like an addiction, she used it to ward off all sorts of bad feelings. Sadness, stress, anger. Through most of high school she would harm herself. Eventually finding different methods, different degrees of pain, methods that didn’t leave scars.

It wasn’t until she turned 17 when she stopped cutting. She had met a guy that made her happy. She knew it upset him when he would see her scars and cuts. So she stopped.

Unfortunately there are more ways to harm oneself apart from cutting yourself. This is something minty figured out eventually.

People always replace one addiction with another.

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