Puzzles!

The Minties have recently discovered that they really enjoy doing puzzles.

In a safe and comfortable space, they feel free to let loose in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt them or others.

Angry Minty loves listening to metal while she meticulously sorts different colours into different piles. If the pieces need to be orientated a certain way she will make sure that they are facing the right way up. She’s very anal retentive. Don’t bug her whiles she’s doing her thing haha

Little minty really likes listening to chillstep, trip hop and EDM. Anything that’s relaxing, ambient or upbeat and bouncy. Bouncy is such a good word for her! She enjoys analysing all the different pieces. Making mental notes of which particular pieces are where. Just in case she sees another that would fit it. She loves the edge pieces! And gets even more excited when she steps back and looks at how far the puzzle has progressed.

When I get like this I feel manic. Although I feel this way, I know I’m in a safe place. I feel comfortable and I can just let loose, in a set environment used for a set reason, doing a puzzle. As simple as that. It’s I’m like inducing the mania and exhausting it. When I leave the room I dont just leave that space physically but also leave that space in my mind too.

The Minties have been dabbling in art too. Only dipping toes in there at the moment though.

I keep mentioning safety. I guess it’s really important to me.

The four little piggies! (I mean minties)

I’ve always likened the dwelling that the Mintys reside in, to be that of a Lion’s den, of some sort anyway. Kinda like a Pride. Keeping each other safe, cuddled up in a pile sometimes. Sheltered away. It’s a space where they can be themselves, away from prying and judgmental eyes.

The other day I mentioned a new voice. It didn’t sound like me but I recognise the feeling it gives me, perhaps its not a new voice but a forgotten one. I’ve recently realised through my weekly talks with my counsellor that I have dissociative tendencies. I don’t blame myself for trying to forget this persona if that’s the case.

If I were to describe this persona as a whole I would say.. that it lurks down the end of a long cave like tunnel. Jagged and moist walls. It smells of old moss and wet wood. Small sinister creatures peer through spaces between stalagtites, both on the ground and clutching to ones on the ceiling. It’s a place of foreboding. Red and orange eyes stare from the belly of the cave. Its all black, except for two piercing eyes, enveloped with fire and blood. I’m trying to think of what sort of creature it could be.. a Dragon.. a chimeran beast.. my horrible art teacher from 7th form (lol she wasn’t that bad) or maybe it’s just darkness. A dark cloud or maybe nothingness. A shapeshifter maybe. (Haha voldemort!)

I don’t want to name this persona. Words are things and I feel like I’ve given it too much recognition already. It’s hard to measure the size or length of this structure, it’s dwelling. I guess it would change accordingly depending on the circumstances. It sounds like it’s abode is a shapeshiter heh.

Actually you know. I just realised what I named this post and how it’s relevant to this persona.

The four little Mintys and the Big Bad Wolf.

Demanding little minty

This happened last night. She wanted bacon and after hours of holding out I gave in. Then my mind went quite and I fell asleep.

Tonight I’m tired and I have a headache. Angry Minty is fast asleep with her back turned away. Little minty is being demanding again. Jumping up and down on a bed whining.

Little minty: I’m bored. I’m hungry. I want sausages. You bought chorizo sausages yesterday. I love chorizo sausages!!! Let’s eat it!!!!

Sometimes when I think of her I imagine her bouncing off the walls on a sugar high. Like a little kid with cabin fever. I haven’t kept myself busy this week. I’ve felt fatigued so I’ve slept a lot and barely moved from my cubby I’ve made I the lounge, on a mattress infront of the tv.

Grown up minty:  I’m tired little minty. We had dinner earlier. You don’t need food, we’re not hungry and its late.

Little minty: come on. I’m you, you’re craving it too! Give in 🙂 it’s yummy!!

I’ll probably give in soon. Now I feel hungry but am I actually hungry?

Lost days

Little minty: * mumbling about what day to put out the rubbish* I should put out the rubbish tonight so I don’t have to in the morning.
Grown minty: minty it’s Tuesday tomorrow. Rubbish day is on Wednesday.
Little minty: oh yeah 🙂 *feels a bit silly*

Rambling thoughts

Here is a collections of the thoughts running through my mind at the moment.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” – Albert Einstein
This is a theory proposed by Albert in the early 1900’s. I often find myself pondering about this.

Physics has always fascinated me. Tonight I ponder. I think about how, if this is so, then we are all connected. Everything is connected and recycled.

If memories are lost. People, knowledge, feelings, thoughts, the tangible and the not. Are they reformatted on a cosmic computer and reallocated? Throughout the cosmos. Recycled into life, mass, emptiness. Everything. Does this mean that nothing is wasted? Nothing is really forgotten but reused? Just over written.

Sometimes I think about reincarnation. If we are products of past lives. Animals, insects, humans then it can only go back so far right? Life on earth is just a blimp on the calender of the universe. Does this mean we are all reincarnated from some force from the beginning? If energy can neither be created nor destroyed does that mean we are also reincarnations of past energies? Stars, galaxies, the unknown? Does this mean that we are recycled from the same force? Over and over like a loop. If there is no start then we must be the same reincarnation over different moments in time. The possibilities are limitless right?

Does this mean everything is one, intrinsic consciousness? Overlapping loops. Thoughts, lives, energy. When I think about the conscious and subconscious, especially in my mind. Not everything links together. There are inconsistencies. Battles, conflicts. Like that of the world on a bigger and connected scale. There are agreements and common ground. Sometimes this changes. Like world events, thoughts shift and social normalities change. This means we are adapting with the same thoughts we have, just shifting the energy. Balancing out. Unbalancing.

It reminds me of the body and evolution. When something goes out of whack our body attempts to balance this out. Homeostasis. When species become unbalanced, naturally, nature attempts to correct this whether it be a cull, adaptation. We are constantly battling changes on different levels. From a molecular level to a cosmic level. All the same amount of energy but shifted somehow. Somewhere. Where does it go? How is it connected?

My mum tells me that the universe is always balancing itself out. It’s not always fair. How does it justify itself? How does it judge who to fuck over and who to bless? Does it really have something to do with this past life we’ve lived? If I apply my thoughts on how we might all be the same reincarnation then does that mean we fuck ourselves over and bless ourselves? Randomly dished out like a lollyscramble. Some lollies are gross. I hate liquorice. I like mints. Sometimes I get liquorice and sometimes I get mints. It’s impolite to reject a gift whether it’s shit or not.

Here’s a scenario. You ruin a family by having an affair with a married man, live with him for 20 or so years while his last family live in sqwaller, with barely any support. Leaving behind a now single mother and two children. You start a family with this man. And not long after starting this family he dies. Your child is the same age of that of the first child from the last family when they lost him. She loses him at the same age he did. You’re angry because he has left so suddenly. Like that of the last family. It feels unfair. You’re now a single mother. With no support. You will probably live in sqwaller too now. Sound familiar? This must be the universe balancing things out, or attempting to. Does it know when its tipping the scale or is it for a good reason? You then find out you have breast cancer. Your body isn’t taking to the chemotherapy like you would like it to. You might die soon. Tomorrow, next year, never? You might leave your child behind. No father and now no mother. That child might feel abandoned. Feeling like it was all her fault. Confused. Angry. Alone. Like that of the children that he left behind the first time. If this is the universe balancing it out then how will it balance itself out again for the kid? Or is the universe cruel for the sake of it, like some humans.

If our thoughts and tangible energy are all the same energy, started from the same place. Does that mean we are all God, Buddha, Allah? Theories from civilisations over the years, living on opposite ends of the world would have similar beliefs in Gods, deitys, astronomy, interpretations of life and its inner workings. Does this mean we are all really connected in a way we don’t know? Are bits and pieces of this recycled energy scattered, not fully overwritten, shared with different beings. Like glitter bombs dispersing from aeons away. Being installed with similar thoughts and dreams. All from the same reservoir?

Sometimes the world hurts, heals.

I’m tired now.
My cat is on my lap dreaming. I wonder what he’s dreaming about..

This is what I’m listening to right now.

odesza no sleep mix

A series of unfortunate events

So, I took my friend in on Friday day. She had been having problems with her mum and needed a place to stay while she sorted out permanent living arrangements. This friend took me to this party last night. I didn’t know anyone.. it took me a bit of Dutch courage to go around introducing myself. It was at a big house out in a semi-rural part of town, down this loooong driveway. Someone said it was about 300m long.

The night started pretty slow. Strangers were talking together about things I wasn’t too interested in. I was checking my phone pretty often too (is it home time yet? Lol). Fast forward several beers and I’m hopping from a couple groups saying hi and introducing myself to these strangers. Everyone was fairly nice. The gender ratio was pretty unbalanced so I guess I did a lot flirting (do I even know how to flirt?)

This one guy in particular caught my brain (most people would say eye right?) After being at a party not knowing anyone and finding someone that I can comfortably talk to was very refreshing!

Fast forward another several beers and I’m making out with this guy in a dark corner somewhere. Honestly, I can’t remember most of it. You know how when you kind of forget a conversation or situation, yet you remember feelings or faces. I don’t remember what we did really, what I do remember is that we talked. About what? I wish I could remember. I just remember feeling really comfortable.

I think someone went looking for us or we emerged eventually. I remember my friend yelling at me “YOU WERE GONE FOR TWO HOURS!” …really? That long? I remember pleading with her “we only talked and made out, I told him I didn’t want to do anything more and he didn’t force me!” Did I mention he was actually quite a drunk gentleman? A blond girl yelled at me… I dont remember what she said but she looked like an angry crack head in my mind. Unnaturally skinny, gaunt and her skin was horrible. I’ve never met a crack head but I would imagine they’d look like her.

I didn’t feel safe or comfortable anymore. Little Minty was ready to bolt, and we did. I started my trek up that long driveway. I can’t remember how far up I got. I just remember feeling hurt. This was trivial and childish.. Little Minty cried so hard and so loud! This chick was running, trying to catch up with me. I must of walked a fair way? She stopped me, I remember sitting on the side of the driveway talking to her. I asked her why she was helping me. She told me it’s because she knows how I feel. Her name was Emma and she made me feel safe. She eventually managed to get me back to the house. My phone was flat so she needed to put it on charge. I waited outside the house.

My friend was there. We’re both still waaaay too drunk. To be honest I was still really confused about what was going on. Whilst waiting for my mum my friend wasnt yelling at me anymore. She was telling me that it wasn’t my fault, that I’m a good person, that I didn’t do anything wrong. At this point I was angry. Angry Minty unleashed herself. Pushing her friend away. I didn’t want her to touch me. Angry Minty likes to punch. Not people though. I punched the concrete, the ground, I remember punching a tree. This was how frustrated I was. So lady like right?

My mum made it. Yay! Mums to the rescue. She got me into the car. Then walked a bit closer to the house. I can’t remember everything she said but I do remember hearing “…you brought her to a party where she knew no one, you should have taken care of her” it didn’t really occur to me that I was on my own most of the night really.

Mum drove me home… I settled down.. but I started recieving long winded text messages…

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Honestly, I was too busy trying to fit in and not feel uncomfortable around people I’ve never met, to notice she fancied someone. Should I have been paying more attention to the guys she danced with, flirted and kissed? Some things she’s said has confused me but from my experience from growing up with her, a lot of things she thinks wouldn’t make sense to most. I just found it really bizzare how she kept texting me, at one point it actually seemed as if she was imagining that she was having a conversation with me, considering I wasn’t replying.

One thing that bothered me was that she implied I did that to hurt her. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone 😦

I had her phone so she could enjoy her night. She had been texting her mum and uncle arguing. It was upsetting her. Now she’s doing to the same thing to me.I dont think I have enough expendable energy to invest in a texting war.

I’m not well. I shouldnt have drunk that much, especially since I’m on medication. I will never drink that much around people I dont know and at a place I’ve never been before.

I have a big spiritual tank of resilience. I can only use a tiny fraction of it though. I haven’t figured out how to use the rest. So what little resilience I have, I try to use it to help make myself better. If I’m not using it on me then I’m using it on someone else. I wish she had realised how much I wanted to help her by taking her in. I’m hurt that she would get so worked up over something so trivial.

Needless to say, I won’t be having anything to do with her for a while.