Your Garden of Welfare

Your personal welfare is like a garden. 

Different aspects correspond with different breeds of flowers, plants and insects. Happiness, family, love, passion, mental health and so on. Lastly and most worrisome of all – weeds and pests. All those icky things in life that you’d rather not creep up, yet manage to persist any way.

When weeds and pests pop up, you would want to use weed killer and pesticides to keep them from taking over your garden. 

Sometimes you can use too much or not enough. 

Use too little and the weeds and pests devour your garden. 

Use too much and you rid the garden of not only the icky things.. but you could also risk stunting or halting the growth of everything else that’s important. Or, you’ve used the wrong type of weed killer or pesticide and you harm your garden without harming all those bad things you want to get rid of.

Possibly leaving your Garden of Welfare almost barren.

You know the thing about gardens though, if you give each plant the right amount of nutrients that it needs, they can survive. 

Even if your garden is withering – even if plants have died, you can replant new ones. You could even replant stable plants. Change the set up. Move plants around. Rotate plants. Put plants that need shade to flourish in the shade. 

Feed the right plants the right nutrients and the right amount. Know how much pesticide or weed killer your garden needs.

Everyone has different sized gardens with different sorts of flora, placed in different assortments. 

What your garden needs will be different to what someone else’s needs. 
 

The amazing balancing act

Mental illness is like a boulder. Some are bigger than others, some are made of different things. Sometimes the boulder isn’t always the same.

For the last 6 months or so I’ve been balancing on top of mine, like a circus freak. Mastering the balancing act that is life.

My family help keep me stable. My meds are a huge help.

I’ve been on and off my meds the last couple weeks. When I start to feel well I forget to take them. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I need to take them.

In actual fact, they keep me stable. The last two days have been difficult.

I’m off my meds.

I was hiding under a blanket thinking.. I’m capable of more than this.

Depression is crippling.

I usually have this little voice of motivation that pushes me. The last two days though – the weight has been too heavy. Motivation’s arms are weak against the weight of a storm.

My mum has been amazing. The other day she came home with chocolates and ginger beer, she knew that I wasn’t feeling well. The last two nights she cooked yummy home meals and last night she gifted me with kisses on my forehead.

“Thank you for looking after me! We’re a good team”

Her support the last two days have been like ointment salve. Rubbing love onto the grazes of my soul.

I’m not 100% today but I’m feeling better.

I don’t know where I’d be without the help I receive.

My support net is helping me push the boulder back to the top of the hill.

Many hands make light work.

Incapacitanxiety

I’ve come to accept the fact that my mental health or there lack of, is part of me.

Pain and suffering is subjective. We all have different pain thresholds whether it be physical or emotional.

When I think about my anxiety I think..
Am I good enough?
Am I doing enough?
Will I fail?
Will I disappoint this person?
Will I upset this person?

I think of all these negative outcomes and I convince myself they’re more probable than otherwise.

Sitting at my desk in class I want to cry.
I understand the content.
I know what to do.
Yet I want to cry.

My anxiety has now morphed into depression.

I just went to get the extension cord out of the cupboard to plug in the dryer. It wasn’t in there yet I stood there anyway. I looked at the dark space at the bottom of the cupboard and thought “I wanna sit under there, close the door, sit in the dark and cry”. So I did, but in a bigger cupboard lol

I moved things out of the way, climbed in, shut the door, sat in the dark and I cried. When I opened the door I said to myself “okay, enough of that for now” and here I am. Blogging about it.

I’m gunna go look for that cord now so I can dry the washing (not hang myself, yet the thought is kinda faint).

I’m so dramatic.

Incapacity
Verb
Prevent from functing in a normal way.”

Self Help

It works in conjunction with other factors.

Acknowledgment is step numero uno. Actually. There is no order. Everyone is different.

When you realise you need help, don’t rely on one thing alone and don’t rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Don’t rely on medication alone.
Don’t just rely on others.
Don’t try stick it out by yourself.
Don’t rely on counselling alone.
They can all work together cohesively.

All of the resources available will help build the structural integrity of your soul and well-being.

Accepting help from others is important. You need all of the resources that you can get.

Sometimes you need help from others before you can help yourself. Sometimes it works the other way around. I think it might depend on whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.

How do you know if you are actively accepting the help though? How do you know if you’re taking it in, and not letting it go in one ear and out the other?

“I know”
It’s what we say when someone is giving us advice that we already know. We’re acknowledging it but we aren’t really accepting it. Its pretty much denial. We aren’t being active.

Being active (in a healthy manner) is the effort you put in.

Being unwell sometimes makes you blind.
When you have people who are willing to help, in the best case scenario, we should take it. This isn’t always the case though. Too often, it’s not.

Recap:
Acknowledgment
Acceptance
Activity

Triple A! AAA is often a score you get when you ace a game 🙂

For me, healthy activity is… Making sure I take my medication every day, keeping up with my personal hygiene. Keeping my personal space clean and organised. Letting others love me and doing the same in return. Watching planes go by (seriously calms me), classical music and believe it or not… Studying. I guess it’s my minds way of a spring clean.

Self help is fucking hard.
It’s harder to climb up the hill than it is to roll down it, landing face down in the dirt.

The view at the top is worth it though.

You can always get back up though, specially with effort and others.

Mental and Emotional Dysmorphia

Losing weight is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you lose weight, your mind is still stuck in the overweight body.

Getting well is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you’ve progressed, your mind is still stuck in the unstable mind.

How do we change our thoughts about ourselves?

How do we accept and acknowledge the achievements that we’ve made?

Habits are hard to break. Addictions are hard to break. As silly as it sounds, It’s easy to get stuck in your prior mind set because it’s so familiar. It’s easy to feel comfortable because you don’t know any different and change is always foreign and unwelcome at first.

Habits can be invisible chains and you convince yourself that you can’t reach the wire cutters. Sometimes they’re already in your hand.

Effort. When you tell yourself that your reservoir is smaller than it really is, you don’t try.

How do we find the energy to lift our hand and apply pressure on the handle?

I am hard on myself.

Uncharacteristic

I’ve been very up and down lately. Mostly down. My mood most definitely is not stable.

I just growled at a lady in the corner of my eye whilst looking at my phone, she was attempting to push her way in front of me in a line.

That was very uncharacteristic of me. It was like a primal growl. “Get the fuck out!” Sort of growl. Usually I’d just let them go, I’d get on when I get on.

The first ever time I realised I was unwell, at my lowest, I looked at myself and thought.. This isn’t me. I’m not that person. I feel like that today. I’ve been taking my medication every night but I haven’t been able to shake this feeling.

This hurdle is made of thorns and they’re morphing into glass.

I’m wondering if I need to see the doctor or work it out within myself… With help of course.

After thoughts

The snowball started the day after fathers day.

I’ve never really acknowledged that day. It’s always been reserved for my mum. I didn’t have a father figure growing up. Now that my dad is dead, I won’t be able to change that on this plane of existence. This makes me both sad and angry. That day, I didn’t want to be around people. I left my last class of the day early, went home to my cave and went to sleep.

Tuesday was frustrating because we were given a test with vague instructions. Finishing that test made me feel discouraged and disappointed. That same day, I got those marks I was disappointed in (but I was being silly).

Today I was given instructions on what we were actually supposed to do for the test. It was not how I initially interpreted it. The same went for everyone else in my class. It was frustrating.

Right now I’m thinking, how can I fix this?

I’m going to study more. It’s like… Having a messy work space. When you clean it up then you can be organised and think more clearly. That’s what I’m going to do. Tidy up my work space before it gets overwhelming.

I can do this… Right?

Discontinued

Yesterday I felt depressed. Today I feel angry.

I’m wondering.. is my medication enough to get me through real life? Do I need to up my dosage? Or do I need to extend my internal reservoir? And if I do, how do I go about it?

Last night I go to my mum.. “I’m depressed.. but I did go to my classes today!” Which she replied.. “Yeah, you can be depressed and go to work. You can be depressed and go to class”

It’s very true. It’s something I’ve only just lightly grasped. The day before last was hard though. I didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want to keep my eyes open. I didn’t want. I just didn’t want. I ended up leaving that class 20 minutes in.

This morning was frustrating. That class needs a lot of initiative. The tutor gives us our exercise and leaves us to our own devices. I’m assuming his wife is very ill because he’s brought up that she’s sick, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to impact his work too. Yesterday we were given a test which I’m assuming we all failed miserably at. I say this because he gave out a sheet with instructions. So we did that. When I had realised what I had done wrong, I started fixing my mistakes. This made me horribly irritable and angry.

I wanted to smash my head into my laptop. I didn’t though. I collected myself. Did what I needed to do, double checked it and sent if off.

I felt better.. but I still have this fire in my chest.

I think back to when I was most unwell. This is because I recognise this feeling. Angry for no reason.

There must be a reason..

Yesterday I got my marks back from an assignment I did last week. I got 16 1/2 out of 20. I was immensely disappointed in myself. I want better marks. This wasn’t good enough. I’m failing myself and expectations.

I’m being too hard on myself I know.

I talked to my support net, my mum and brother. They rationalised it for me. That’s actually a good mark. It’s 82.5 percent. That’s an -A grade. This made me feel better.

I’m still snow balling though.

I’ve named this post Discontinued because I feel like my positive studious outlook has disappeared.

Impulse

Sugar, spice and everything nice. Oh, and a few buckets of evil.

We all have those voices. That doesn’t make you crazy… Does it?

Less people like to admit it than most.

The other day I was in the car with mum. She asked me “Do you ever want to kill yourself?” which I replied with “Do you really want to know that answer?”. She did. So I said yes.

I explained to her that it’s not something I ponder about, It’s not something I’m planning. I don’t know if this is a suicidal tendency or not. I don’t want to die. I want to excel in life.

For several years (maybe longer than I’ve noticed?) I’ve had this voice. Impulse. It’s menacing and whispers, never yells.

“Jump in front of that truck, do it”
“Throw this through that window, go on”
“Drink more”
“scrape your key all the way along that car”

It’s here.. then gone. In a flash. Like lightning without the thunder.

Sometimes I wonder if I will act on these sinister impulses.

When they’re gone, I forget about it. I put it out of my mind. It’s like it speeds back into the inner depths of my psyche.

If I were to try and think back… think back to the birth of Impulse. I would place it at the age of 12. That’s when I started self harming. I even attempted (feebly) to hang myself. I think I was curious about how it feels. It was the Impulse that I acted on. I didn’t like the choking feeling and I guess I didn’t actually want to die. Or else I wouldn’t be typing this out.

This is probably something I should delve into with my counsellor. I always forget about it because there are bigger, more superficial things going on in my life.

I don’t like digging into my mind. When I dig far enough it feels like I’m clawing at the ground. Trying to scrape through a layer made of broken glass, my nails starting to break off. My finger tips raw with blood and bone.

It’s a feeling I prefer to avoid.

Impulse.
Sometimes the whispers speak louder than yelling.