After thoughts

As per usual I am way too hard on myself.

I actually made it on time and did really well! (I think heh) I put on my interview face and did the best I could.

It’s something that I’m working on at the moment. Being too hard on myself is something that’s held me back all too often. It’s the self sabotage, occasionally the self loathing (maybe more often than occasionally), procrastination and negative thinking. Imagining everything that could go wrong without weighing up what could go right.

I feel like hiding under my blanket now and I think I will actually do that lol

Putting on my “day time face” is really exhausting.

Today is a heavy metal day. It calms me. The guitar solos and double bass drums drown out everything.

Self Sabotage

:/ <– That’s my face right now.

I have a job interview and I’m immensely nervous. I’m late too! I’d like to blame the train but this is a place for me to be honest, I just have really shit time management skills. Great first impression right? I had chances to be on time. I will make it there in the end. I called them to say I would be late, I thought it would only be appropriate, apart from the late thing.

I want to curl up in the middle of the train aisle and rock myself until my chest stops trying to push out of its cavities. Like a fake cake with a stripper in it except it would be more of a fat stinky old man. He wouldn’t sing happy birthday either! “Mintys in. Mintys in. Mintys in the rubbish bin!” (That’s the tiggy song right?)

Ugh. Why do I do this to myself. I want to say more but all I can think of is the pressure building up in my chest.

Self sabotage is the worst. I really hope I don’t have a panic attack.

Marvelous Minty

Today was a spectacular day!

It was productive and I was given very flattering compliments that really made me feel great. Some life plans are also syncing together.

Since starting my journey to wellness I’ve stopped taking “feeling okay” for granted. It’s something not often felt when you have an invisible illness. Today though, I felt on top of the world. I felt as if I wanted to strive for greatness and in my own way, I took advantage of it. I savoured the feeling.

I wish that I felt this was every day. I wish I could program myself to be this way all the time. I know realistically it’s not that easy though.

I know today was not a manic high. I know myself and today I wasn’t a manic crackhead high (I’ve never taken crack but from what I’ve heard – I’d compare my manic highs to that).

I felt upbeat and bouncey. I put a random playlist on from iheartradio (No Doubt :D) and sang away while I cleaned. It’s nice to feel high without being twitchy and panicked, while my heart thumps away at the speed of light.

I’m tired now though. I have had a great day and in my own little way I feel positive and accomplished. I feel like some plans are about to come to fruision soon.

I can’t say that tomorrow will be the same but I’m glad today was the way it was.

The Great list of Gratefuls

My mum is a superhero!

The list of Gratefuls is something born from love. My mum is the number one person who picks me up when I don’t even realise I’m on the ground. When she saw I needed a hand to get up she devised an awesome idea.

“I want you to email me a list of 5 things you are grateful for, every day!”

It had to be something new every single time. Which to some people I guess, can sound pretty difficult. You don’t need to over think it. Small or big, there’s always something to be grateful for. So for several weeks I sent a list every day. If I missed a day I would make up for it. Eventually I forgot to do my list but was in a good enough space anyway.

I remember feeling a lot more positive going to sleep knowing I had at least 5 things to be grateful for that day.

I’m often thinking of things to write about and that is one thing that pops up a lot. So, here goes!

I survive not only because of myself but mostly because of my family. My mum and brother are my support net and I will always be more than grateful for them. They are superheros and I look up to them.

I love you guys