“Sorry, I’m not feeling well today”

It’s easy to feel guilty when you cancel or postpone plans because you are feeling unwell.. notice how I didn’t say sick?

Introversion and depression are the worst combination when it comes to social interactions and plans.

This how my family can tell I have a cloud looming over me.. it also signals that I don’t really feel like talking about it but I’d still like to keep you on the same page as me.

There’s a little voice that snickers; you can walk and breathe, you can still make it. How can you justify not stepping outside just because you’re feeling a little low?

I can’t help but feel a bit guilty. I had things I planned to do today but from past experiences I’ve learnt that forcing myself to step outside feeling unwell never ends well.

Easily overwhelmed 

Easily agitated

Easily upset

Easily just stay home instead.

I’ll be okay, I just need to recharge at home with my cat.

Your Garden of Welfare

Your personal welfare is like a garden. 

Different aspects correspond with different breeds of flowers, plants and insects. Happiness, family, love, passion, mental health and so on. Lastly and most worrisome of all – weeds and pests. All those icky things in life that you’d rather not creep up, yet manage to persist any way.

When weeds and pests pop up, you would want to use weed killer and pesticides to keep them from taking over your garden. 

Sometimes you can use too much or not enough. 

Use too little and the weeds and pests devour your garden. 

Use too much and you rid the garden of not only the icky things.. but you could also risk stunting or halting the growth of everything else that’s important. Or, you’ve used the wrong type of weed killer or pesticide and you harm your garden without harming all those bad things you want to get rid of.

Possibly leaving your Garden of Welfare almost barren.

You know the thing about gardens though, if you give each plant the right amount of nutrients that it needs, they can survive. 

Even if your garden is withering – even if plants have died, you can replant new ones. You could even replant stable plants. Change the set up. Move plants around. Rotate plants. Put plants that need shade to flourish in the shade. 

Feed the right plants the right nutrients and the right amount. Know how much pesticide or weed killer your garden needs.

Everyone has different sized gardens with different sorts of flora, placed in different assortments. 

What your garden needs will be different to what someone else’s needs. 
 

Queue next chapter

It’s been a while since I was last active.

Life has been good. I’ve been good! Studies are good. Relationships are good.

I’m content with good. Good means stable and stability isn’t something that I have gifted myself in the past.

This is the second semester into my two year diploma. I’m still working and living..

This is the next chapter.

My last chapter ended when I felt well and stable.

It’s true what they say – creativity comes from the darkest of places.

I’ve taken myself off my medication and it’s an interesting journey so far. My reservoir is bigger than before but it may not be a smart move.

I will find out I guess…

I love my family [A draft I wrote 7 months ago]

In the darkest depths and brightest altitudes,
my family has always been there.
My inner circle is actually a triangle.
Consisting of my mum, brother and me.
It’s always been just us.
Like the rings of a tree,
our relatives,
family friends,
and acquaintances
Help make up the tree that you see.

Some how that came out more poetic than I meant it to lol It’s how I feel though. In the darkest depths of my depression and grief, they’ve always been there. They’re always there to throw out a flotation device. Sometimes I don’t even see it. So it drifts about on it’s tether, with them on the other side. Sometimes I think I ignore it, wanting to sink to the bottom and drown. Sometimes, the life line falls perfectly over me. Nevertheless, they always pull me in. There’s always a clean change of clothes, blanket and a hot drink.

I love my family.

The amazing balancing act

Mental illness is like a boulder. Some are bigger than others, some are made of different things. Sometimes the boulder isn’t always the same.

For the last 6 months or so I’ve been balancing on top of mine, like a circus freak. Mastering the balancing act that is life.

My family help keep me stable. My meds are a huge help.

I’ve been on and off my meds the last couple weeks. When I start to feel well I forget to take them. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I need to take them.

In actual fact, they keep me stable. The last two days have been difficult.

I’m off my meds.

I was hiding under a blanket thinking.. I’m capable of more than this.

Depression is crippling.

I usually have this little voice of motivation that pushes me. The last two days though – the weight has been too heavy. Motivation’s arms are weak against the weight of a storm.

My mum has been amazing. The other day she came home with chocolates and ginger beer, she knew that I wasn’t feeling well. The last two nights she cooked yummy home meals and last night she gifted me with kisses on my forehead.

“Thank you for looking after me! We’re a good team”

Her support the last two days have been like ointment salve. Rubbing love onto the grazes of my soul.

I’m not 100% today but I’m feeling better.

I don’t know where I’d be without the help I receive.

My support net is helping me push the boulder back to the top of the hill.

Many hands make light work.

Incapacitanxiety

I’ve come to accept the fact that my mental health or there lack of, is part of me.

Pain and suffering is subjective. We all have different pain thresholds whether it be physical or emotional.

When I think about my anxiety I think..
Am I good enough?
Am I doing enough?
Will I fail?
Will I disappoint this person?
Will I upset this person?

I think of all these negative outcomes and I convince myself they’re more probable than otherwise.

Sitting at my desk in class I want to cry.
I understand the content.
I know what to do.
Yet I want to cry.

My anxiety has now morphed into depression.

I just went to get the extension cord out of the cupboard to plug in the dryer. It wasn’t in there yet I stood there anyway. I looked at the dark space at the bottom of the cupboard and thought “I wanna sit under there, close the door, sit in the dark and cry”. So I did, but in a bigger cupboard lol

I moved things out of the way, climbed in, shut the door, sat in the dark and I cried. When I opened the door I said to myself “okay, enough of that for now” and here I am. Blogging about it.

I’m gunna go look for that cord now so I can dry the washing (not hang myself, yet the thought is kinda faint).

I’m so dramatic.

Incapacity
Verb
Prevent from functing in a normal way.”

Self Help

It works in conjunction with other factors.

Acknowledgment is step numero uno. Actually. There is no order. Everyone is different.

When you realise you need help, don’t rely on one thing alone and don’t rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Don’t rely on medication alone.
Don’t just rely on others.
Don’t try stick it out by yourself.
Don’t rely on counselling alone.
They can all work together cohesively.

All of the resources available will help build the structural integrity of your soul and well-being.

Accepting help from others is important. You need all of the resources that you can get.

Sometimes you need help from others before you can help yourself. Sometimes it works the other way around. I think it might depend on whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.

How do you know if you are actively accepting the help though? How do you know if you’re taking it in, and not letting it go in one ear and out the other?

“I know”
It’s what we say when someone is giving us advice that we already know. We’re acknowledging it but we aren’t really accepting it. Its pretty much denial. We aren’t being active.

Being active (in a healthy manner) is the effort you put in.

Being unwell sometimes makes you blind.
When you have people who are willing to help, in the best case scenario, we should take it. This isn’t always the case though. Too often, it’s not.

Recap:
Acknowledgment
Acceptance
Activity

Triple A! AAA is often a score you get when you ace a game 🙂

For me, healthy activity is… Making sure I take my medication every day, keeping up with my personal hygiene. Keeping my personal space clean and organised. Letting others love me and doing the same in return. Watching planes go by (seriously calms me), classical music and believe it or not… Studying. I guess it’s my minds way of a spring clean.

Self help is fucking hard.
It’s harder to climb up the hill than it is to roll down it, landing face down in the dirt.

The view at the top is worth it though.

You can always get back up though, specially with effort and others.

Mental and Emotional Dysmorphia

Losing weight is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you lose weight, your mind is still stuck in the overweight body.

Getting well is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you’ve progressed, your mind is still stuck in the unstable mind.

How do we change our thoughts about ourselves?

How do we accept and acknowledge the achievements that we’ve made?

Habits are hard to break. Addictions are hard to break. As silly as it sounds, It’s easy to get stuck in your prior mind set because it’s so familiar. It’s easy to feel comfortable because you don’t know any different and change is always foreign and unwelcome at first.

Habits can be invisible chains and you convince yourself that you can’t reach the wire cutters. Sometimes they’re already in your hand.

Effort. When you tell yourself that your reservoir is smaller than it really is, you don’t try.

How do we find the energy to lift our hand and apply pressure on the handle?

I am hard on myself.