Why didn’t we just leave straight away?

In a south Auckland suburb lived a family of three. A mother and her two children. A son and a daughter.

They lived in a humble unit, down a long driveway. Three units lined up beside each other, like plastic monopoly houses. At the bottom of the driveway, three more. Theirs was the third. Smack bang in the middle. One side of their unit sat flush with the second, whilst the other side was lined with grass and an overgrown lemon tree.

People were coming. A group, but why? To ransack? To kidnap? For a cup of tea? No one knew. But they prepared themselves. For some reason they didn’t leave as soon at they were ready. They waited til night. They lay in their beds, all in one room. For some reason they had a visitor. They sat against the window. Their head in full view. Why the fuck are you here?

Night fell. Flash lights lit up the Windows. Darting down the side of the house.

Off they go. Out the front door. With their visitor in tow.

Visitor behind.
Imposter behind them.
No one looking back.
While the rest followed.

Down the long driveway.

——-

This was a dream I had night. The visitor was one of the siblings I mentioned in the previous post. The imposters, they reminded me of door to door sales people. You just want them to go away.

With that death looming, one of the sisters has been in contact with my mum. This makes me feel uneasy. What if they find out where I live? What if they try to weasel their way back in?

For years, the two sisters have tried to get in contact with me. They want to make ammends. I will not forgive. I will not forget.

They trail behind and I don’t want to look back.

My mum gave them a donation to help with preparations. She said it was from her and the kids. This irked me but I know she did it with good intentions. I don’t want them to think they are in my good graces. I want them to know I loathe them.

I want them to stop trying.
I want them to fuck off.

I forget about the darker side of myself when I’m feeling so stable. Seems like a figurment of my imagination.

It’s not though.

I mostly blame them for being the root of my lack of mental well-being. Each one sowed several dark seeds in pivotal times of my life. They broke me as a child. No child should have “role models” like them growing up.

I hate them for that.

World eater

Just like Galactus from The Fantastic Four comics, hate feeds on energy. Draining our souls and eventually consuming it.

Hate is a word that I seldom use to describe the way I feel about people. Unfortunately, this is a lie I tell myself.

There are few people in this world I hate. I can count them on one hand. They hurt and fucked me (and my close family) over when I was younger, for lack of better words. They are all siblings in fact. These are feelings and memories I keep locked away, in a box labelled “DO NOT OPEN! DANGER! TURN BACK NOW” These feelings are frozen in time. They have stayed the same, never changing, never turning. Even rocks can be smoothed into stones over time. Mountains shift as techtonic plates move about beneath our feet. This though, is unnatural. Unworldly. Unruly.

I keep things locked away to keep myself safe. All I want is to feel safe and keep hold of that feeling.

The issue for me is that these people have old ties, with one I hold dearest. She has a history with them. An era in her life that significantly involved them. She put her life and energy into them once upon a time. They are family or at least, used to be part of her family. I refuse to acknowledge them though.

I feel guilty for turning cold and ridged at the mention of them. My soul turns around, like a sleeping child having a nightmare. It unsettles me. Rattles me.

I respect and acknowledge her history with them. I don’t want her to feel as if she can’t relive her memories around me or reminisce. I want to be supportive.

One of them commited suicide last week. I was not shaken by this news. Not feeling shaken is what shakes me. I feel no compassion, no sympathy. I don’t care about the death itself.

Part of me feels like they deserve what ever the universe throws at them. That they have accrued the cruel hands dealt to them.

What scares me most, is myself. This isn’t normal right? I’m supposed to at least feel sorry for them. I don’t.

My brother says I have every right to feel the way I and that he understands. He says it makes him sad to hear the way I feel though. That hate is so consuming. He told me that he feels sorry for them. That he holds the way he feels in, in respect of the history she had with them. I can’t find it in me to do this. But for her I will try.

This feels confusing and conflicting. My thought process has changed. I think from every angle and of every variable, when thinking about people like them. I know that the cards people like are dealt, are shit ones. That they had no control over that. I feel sorry for people like that. I want to help them. But not these people. Oh no. They can rot for all I care. And thinking that way scares me.

Everyone is a hypocrite.
I am no different.

I don’t like sleeping – Have you seen my mum?

The feeling of losing your mum in a store, is an all too familiar feeling shared by most.

I dreamt that I lost my mum and brother. You know that feeling you get when you’re frantically looking around the store crying for your mum? I woke up feeling that way. I dreamt that I was driven through the suburb I grew up in. Feeling dread as I was driven past old familiar places with the hope of finding them. The first place was the home I grew up in. It’s down a long shared driveway and you’d always know mum was home because she parked right outside on the grass or in front of the garage. I had a panic attack in my dream, I couldnt breathe and was crying. Where are they? There was no car and the house was boarded up. Dread. I then drove past a street, I looked down the road an saw mum’s car parked. She has a very distinctive car lol I wanted to get out and see if it was them, although I knew in my heart it was them. The driver wouldn’t let me out. He reminded me of a rude bus driver. I thought “fuck this. Fuck you!” So I opened the door and rolled out of the moving car. I got up unscathed (only in dream land) and made my way there.

They were there! In a small apartment that seemed safe and locked away from the outside world. Mum told me she waited for me, in two different locations that must have been significant some how. She was crying and so was I.

She said something before I woke up that felt significant. I can’t remember it though but I remember feeling loved. I think she was scared because she couldn’t find me in these two seemingly significant places.

I woke up crying. I hate the feeling of pure dread when I wake up from a bad dream.

I often worry about what I will do, how I will manage in life without her. I’m not ready for the real world and she is my biggest pillar. Like the structural integrity of a bridge.

I lost my dad at 21. I can live life without him though, he was never around. My mum thinks she’s living on borrowed time, that scares me. Her dad died when she was 20, almost the same age as me too.

I can’t stop crying now.

I don’t want to live without my mum.

Self Sabotage

:/ <– That’s my face right now.

I have a job interview and I’m immensely nervous. I’m late too! I’d like to blame the train but this is a place for me to be honest, I just have really shit time management skills. Great first impression right? I had chances to be on time. I will make it there in the end. I called them to say I would be late, I thought it would only be appropriate, apart from the late thing.

I want to curl up in the middle of the train aisle and rock myself until my chest stops trying to push out of its cavities. Like a fake cake with a stripper in it except it would be more of a fat stinky old man. He wouldn’t sing happy birthday either! “Mintys in. Mintys in. Mintys in the rubbish bin!” (That’s the tiggy song right?)

Ugh. Why do I do this to myself. I want to say more but all I can think of is the pressure building up in my chest.

Self sabotage is the worst. I really hope I don’t have a panic attack.

Artax!!!!!!

While I was sitting outside having a smoke I pondered, as I usually do.. about this journey. In my mind I imagined in this moment that I was trying to make my way down a steep but do-able decline. It’s dry dirt. Big rocks dislodging under me, that make me tumble down on my butt. My palms are getting dusty but its nothing I can’t wipe off onto my shirt or pants.

Life is literally a hike.

It has many paths.

Some leading into dark, bushy, overgrown pathways. It’s cold and uncomfortable. Unfamiliar and daunting. These dark paths often have a distinctive smell. Mossy, cold – almost like inhaling a menthol mouthwash. Sometimes it’s nice to get out of the sun. It can be a good place to stop on a hot day. It really depends on what you make of it. If you’re feeling lost it can become a very over whelming trek though.

Others leading into bright grassy clearings. Maybe you’re in the middle of the Bush. Perhaps your at the top of a hill. Sceneries always look best from up high. A good spot to take a step back, take a deep breath and put  things into perspective.

The walk ways will often alternate between soft, slightly trodden grass. As if following behind another. Others a murky, muddy, dirty, tiring one. Others are laid out nicely. Even gravel. Soft underfoot. Making that lovely crunching noise and feeling you get when you’re out walking amongst those who are close to you.

I need to make sure I keep on top of getting my repeats for my prescriptions before I run out.

If I go a few days without them I initially feel the physical side effects. I get dizzy, tired, nauseous. It can feel like my brain is throbbing half a size bigger than my skull can handle. If a few days turns into a week I can feel myself becoming shakey.

I’m pretty glad I’m not into hard drugs or alcoholism. I don’t know if I could handle the withdrawals symptoms people get from going off of those.

When that passes, next comes the decline. Slowly I’ll feel myself struggling but managing to slide down the dry dirt, off beaten path that I mentioned earlier. From past experiences I know what lies at the bottom. I also know I can change my mind though. I don’t always do it but I know I can.

I often end up like Atreyu and Artax in the swamp of sadness.

image
http://www.redbubble.com/people/rabbitine/works/9420391-fight-against-the-sadness-artax?p=t-shirt

I’ve been in that swamp so many times, like a lot of other people.

Today my soul feels weak and I feel myself slipping. I also feel like I have a rope tied around me though. I’m tethered to something at the top of the hill.

I think I’ll be okay.

@6.24am

**I couldn’t sleep again last night. I thought I’d jot down the thoughts that had been rushing through my mind through out the early morning. I might even expand on some of them on another day!

Cold weather
How I would help people in this cold weather if I could

Cracked marbles
Jewellery
Art

Studs
Fashion
Teen life

Past relationship
Alcoholism

Being hung over
Throwing up out of a car going 100km/hr

Job hunting
Rejection
Growing
Learning
Support

Clicking my fingers

Losing my loved ones

Morning traffic silences my mind

List of gratefuls
Reviving my list of gratefuls

The universe

Demanding little minty

This happened last night. She wanted bacon and after hours of holding out I gave in. Then my mind went quite and I fell asleep.

Tonight I’m tired and I have a headache. Angry Minty is fast asleep with her back turned away. Little minty is being demanding again. Jumping up and down on a bed whining.

Little minty: I’m bored. I’m hungry. I want sausages. You bought chorizo sausages yesterday. I love chorizo sausages!!! Let’s eat it!!!!

Sometimes when I think of her I imagine her bouncing off the walls on a sugar high. Like a little kid with cabin fever. I haven’t kept myself busy this week. I’ve felt fatigued so I’ve slept a lot and barely moved from my cubby I’ve made I the lounge, on a mattress infront of the tv.

Grown up minty:  I’m tired little minty. We had dinner earlier. You don’t need food, we’re not hungry and its late.

Little minty: come on. I’m you, you’re craving it too! Give in 🙂 it’s yummy!!

I’ll probably give in soon. Now I feel hungry but am I actually hungry?

Rambling thoughts

Here is a collections of the thoughts running through my mind at the moment.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” – Albert Einstein
This is a theory proposed by Albert in the early 1900’s. I often find myself pondering about this.

Physics has always fascinated me. Tonight I ponder. I think about how, if this is so, then we are all connected. Everything is connected and recycled.

If memories are lost. People, knowledge, feelings, thoughts, the tangible and the not. Are they reformatted on a cosmic computer and reallocated? Throughout the cosmos. Recycled into life, mass, emptiness. Everything. Does this mean that nothing is wasted? Nothing is really forgotten but reused? Just over written.

Sometimes I think about reincarnation. If we are products of past lives. Animals, insects, humans then it can only go back so far right? Life on earth is just a blimp on the calender of the universe. Does this mean we are all reincarnated from some force from the beginning? If energy can neither be created nor destroyed does that mean we are also reincarnations of past energies? Stars, galaxies, the unknown? Does this mean that we are recycled from the same force? Over and over like a loop. If there is no start then we must be the same reincarnation over different moments in time. The possibilities are limitless right?

Does this mean everything is one, intrinsic consciousness? Overlapping loops. Thoughts, lives, energy. When I think about the conscious and subconscious, especially in my mind. Not everything links together. There are inconsistencies. Battles, conflicts. Like that of the world on a bigger and connected scale. There are agreements and common ground. Sometimes this changes. Like world events, thoughts shift and social normalities change. This means we are adapting with the same thoughts we have, just shifting the energy. Balancing out. Unbalancing.

It reminds me of the body and evolution. When something goes out of whack our body attempts to balance this out. Homeostasis. When species become unbalanced, naturally, nature attempts to correct this whether it be a cull, adaptation. We are constantly battling changes on different levels. From a molecular level to a cosmic level. All the same amount of energy but shifted somehow. Somewhere. Where does it go? How is it connected?

My mum tells me that the universe is always balancing itself out. It’s not always fair. How does it justify itself? How does it judge who to fuck over and who to bless? Does it really have something to do with this past life we’ve lived? If I apply my thoughts on how we might all be the same reincarnation then does that mean we fuck ourselves over and bless ourselves? Randomly dished out like a lollyscramble. Some lollies are gross. I hate liquorice. I like mints. Sometimes I get liquorice and sometimes I get mints. It’s impolite to reject a gift whether it’s shit or not.

Here’s a scenario. You ruin a family by having an affair with a married man, live with him for 20 or so years while his last family live in sqwaller, with barely any support. Leaving behind a now single mother and two children. You start a family with this man. And not long after starting this family he dies. Your child is the same age of that of the first child from the last family when they lost him. She loses him at the same age he did. You’re angry because he has left so suddenly. Like that of the last family. It feels unfair. You’re now a single mother. With no support. You will probably live in sqwaller too now. Sound familiar? This must be the universe balancing things out, or attempting to. Does it know when its tipping the scale or is it for a good reason? You then find out you have breast cancer. Your body isn’t taking to the chemotherapy like you would like it to. You might die soon. Tomorrow, next year, never? You might leave your child behind. No father and now no mother. That child might feel abandoned. Feeling like it was all her fault. Confused. Angry. Alone. Like that of the children that he left behind the first time. If this is the universe balancing it out then how will it balance itself out again for the kid? Or is the universe cruel for the sake of it, like some humans.

If our thoughts and tangible energy are all the same energy, started from the same place. Does that mean we are all God, Buddha, Allah? Theories from civilisations over the years, living on opposite ends of the world would have similar beliefs in Gods, deitys, astronomy, interpretations of life and its inner workings. Does this mean we are all really connected in a way we don’t know? Are bits and pieces of this recycled energy scattered, not fully overwritten, shared with different beings. Like glitter bombs dispersing from aeons away. Being installed with similar thoughts and dreams. All from the same reservoir?

Sometimes the world hurts, heals.

I’m tired now.
My cat is on my lap dreaming. I wonder what he’s dreaming about..

This is what I’m listening to right now.

odesza no sleep mix