**I couldn’t sleep again last night. I thought I’d jot down the thoughts that had been rushing through my mind through out the early morning. I might even expand on some of them on another day!

Cold weather
How I would help people in this cold weather if I could

Cracked marbles

Teen life

Past relationship

Being hung over
Throwing up out of a car going 100km/hr

Job hunting

Clicking my fingers

Losing my loved ones

Morning traffic silences my mind

List of gratefuls
Reviving my list of gratefuls

The universe

Rambling thoughts

Here is a collections of the thoughts running through my mind at the moment.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” – Albert Einstein
This is a theory proposed by Albert in the early 1900’s. I often find myself pondering about this.

Physics has always fascinated me. Tonight I ponder. I think about how, if this is so, then we are all connected. Everything is connected and recycled.

If memories are lost. People, knowledge, feelings, thoughts, the tangible and the not. Are they reformatted on a cosmic computer and reallocated? Throughout the cosmos. Recycled into life, mass, emptiness. Everything. Does this mean that nothing is wasted? Nothing is really forgotten but reused? Just over written.

Sometimes I think about reincarnation. If we are products of past lives. Animals, insects, humans then it can only go back so far right? Life on earth is just a blimp on the calender of the universe. Does this mean we are all reincarnated from some force from the beginning? If energy can neither be created nor destroyed does that mean we are also reincarnations of past energies? Stars, galaxies, the unknown? Does this mean that we are recycled from the same force? Over and over like a loop. If there is no start then we must be the same reincarnation over different moments in time. The possibilities are limitless right?

Does this mean everything is one, intrinsic consciousness? Overlapping loops. Thoughts, lives, energy. When I think about the conscious and subconscious, especially in my mind. Not everything links together. There are inconsistencies. Battles, conflicts. Like that of the world on a bigger and connected scale. There are agreements and common ground. Sometimes this changes. Like world events, thoughts shift and social normalities change. This means we are adapting with the same thoughts we have, just shifting the energy. Balancing out. Unbalancing.

It reminds me of the body and evolution. When something goes out of whack our body attempts to balance this out. Homeostasis. When species become unbalanced, naturally, nature attempts to correct this whether it be a cull, adaptation. We are constantly battling changes on different levels. From a molecular level to a cosmic level. All the same amount of energy but shifted somehow. Somewhere. Where does it go? How is it connected?

My mum tells me that the universe is always balancing itself out. It’s not always fair. How does it justify itself? How does it judge who to fuck over and who to bless? Does it really have something to do with this past life we’ve lived? If I apply my thoughts on how we might all be the same reincarnation then does that mean we fuck ourselves over and bless ourselves? Randomly dished out like a lollyscramble. Some lollies are gross. I hate liquorice. I like mints. Sometimes I get liquorice and sometimes I get mints. It’s impolite to reject a gift whether it’s shit or not.

Here’s a scenario. You ruin a family by having an affair with a married man, live with him for 20 or so years while his last family live in sqwaller, with barely any support. Leaving behind a now single mother and two children. You start a family with this man. And not long after starting this family he dies. Your child is the same age of that of the first child from the last family when they lost him. She loses him at the same age he did. You’re angry because he has left so suddenly. Like that of the last family. It feels unfair. You’re now a single mother. With no support. You will probably live in sqwaller too now. Sound familiar? This must be the universe balancing things out, or attempting to. Does it know when its tipping the scale or is it for a good reason? You then find out you have breast cancer. Your body isn’t taking to the chemotherapy like you would like it to. You might die soon. Tomorrow, next year, never? You might leave your child behind. No father and now no mother. That child might feel abandoned. Feeling like it was all her fault. Confused. Angry. Alone. Like that of the children that he left behind the first time. If this is the universe balancing it out then how will it balance itself out again for the kid? Or is the universe cruel for the sake of it, like some humans.

If our thoughts and tangible energy are all the same energy, started from the same place. Does that mean we are all God, Buddha, Allah? Theories from civilisations over the years, living on opposite ends of the world would have similar beliefs in Gods, deitys, astronomy, interpretations of life and its inner workings. Does this mean we are all really connected in a way we don’t know? Are bits and pieces of this recycled energy scattered, not fully overwritten, shared with different beings. Like glitter bombs dispersing from aeons away. Being installed with similar thoughts and dreams. All from the same reservoir?

Sometimes the world hurts, heals.

I’m tired now.
My cat is on my lap dreaming. I wonder what he’s dreaming about..

This is what I’m listening to right now.

odesza no sleep mix