Dreaming

“Why did you go there? From beyond. You saw it all. Why did you go there?”

“Dreaming of screaming. Someone kick me out of my mind, I hate these thoughts I can’t deny.”

Those are lyrics from a song called Dreaming by System of a Down. I’m lying here thinking about dreams and it popped into my mind.

It just dawned on me that I don’t like dreaming. I always have nightmares and wake up scared with my mind and heart racing. Don’t you just hate that?

I guess on nights where I find it hard to sleep, like tonight, I don’t give my body enough time to go through the necessary stages of sleep in order to rest the way it needs to.

I find myself feeling tired. My eyes hurt but when I shut my eyes my mind is alive and buzzing away behind my eyelids.

I’ve always had problems sleeping and I know it’s myself keeping me awake. I know there are things I should try in order to quiet my mind. Sometimes I get caught up in this hypothetical world between my ears. I think about what if, what should of been, what should be, what will be, who will be, will I?, why?, when, how, what would of been, what could of been. It’s like an awkward primary school disco. The music is loud, the bass is pumping through your chest but barely anyone is dancing. Just standing on the outer edges of the hall.

I remember… last year, a week after new years. I woke up in the early hours of the morning. I woke up crying, not sobbing.. but full on crying. I felt as though my heart had been broken. I sat up still feeling hurt, my cheeks hurt from crying. I felt as though I had woken up mid conversation. I had no memory of the dream at all. I turned my pillow over and went back to sleep.
It was noon later that day when my nana called me on my mobile phone. My dad passed away the night before.
It wasn’t until acouple days later that I remembered crying in my sleep the night before.

If dreams are a medium for communication then that scares me.

A couple weeks ago my mum dreamt about my dad. She told me that she dreamt they were catching up. He asked about me and she told him I was going to study IT. Apparently in her dream she had to repeat herself because he didn’t hear her the first time. I was going to be a nurse before he passed away so I can understand why he might of been confused.

It’s not the first time she’s dreamt about him. My brother did too one night, as well as my mum but she didn’t tell him. I think it was to stop him from freaking out. My brother never did tell us about his dream.

I often dream about my ex boyfriend too. This is different though. It’s a compilation of my thoughts mushed into an ugly inverted romantic comedy. Except I’m the joke lol I guess I find it hard to let go sometimes. It’s always about rejection and heartache. I guess that sounds more like a romantic drama where no one lives happily ever after.

I’m really good at avoiding things until the last minute. Especially if it scares me.

Dreams. I could believe that dreams are more than a reflection of someone’s inner psyche. I could believe that dreaming are a doorway or a medium for communication.

Sleeping works in stages of wave lengths right? I remember when I was younger I would feel and see things that weren’t really there. Shadows peeking from around the corners. Feeling a presence or two. Maybe I was actually going through a phase of psychosis. My mum has always been understanding though. The best advice she had given me in regards to it was to tune into a different frequency. Seperate myself from that wave length. I could believe that wavelengths overlap. Similar wave lengths, different planes.

How will you know unless you think?
How will you know unless you try?
How will you know unless you do?

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