I love my family [A draft I wrote 7 months ago]

In the darkest depths and brightest altitudes,
my family has always been there.
My inner circle is actually a triangle.
Consisting of my mum, brother and me.
It’s always been just us.
Like the rings of a tree,
our relatives,
family friends,
and acquaintances
Help make up the tree that you see.

Some how that came out more poetic than I meant it to lol It’s how I feel though. In the darkest depths of my depression and grief, they’ve always been there. They’re always there to throw out a flotation device. Sometimes I don’t even see it. So it drifts about on it’s tether, with them on the other side. Sometimes I think I ignore it, wanting to sink to the bottom and drown. Sometimes, the life line falls perfectly over me. Nevertheless, they always pull me in. There’s always a clean change of clothes, blanket and a hot drink.

I love my family.

Self Help

It works in conjunction with other factors.

Acknowledgment is step numero uno. Actually. There is no order. Everyone is different.

When you realise you need help, don’t rely on one thing alone and don’t rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Don’t rely on medication alone.
Don’t just rely on others.
Don’t try stick it out by yourself.
Don’t rely on counselling alone.
They can all work together cohesively.

All of the resources available will help build the structural integrity of your soul and well-being.

Accepting help from others is important. You need all of the resources that you can get.

Sometimes you need help from others before you can help yourself. Sometimes it works the other way around. I think it might depend on whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.

How do you know if you are actively accepting the help though? How do you know if you’re taking it in, and not letting it go in one ear and out the other?

“I know”
It’s what we say when someone is giving us advice that we already know. We’re acknowledging it but we aren’t really accepting it. Its pretty much denial. We aren’t being active.

Being active (in a healthy manner) is the effort you put in.

Being unwell sometimes makes you blind.
When you have people who are willing to help, in the best case scenario, we should take it. This isn’t always the case though. Too often, it’s not.

Recap:
Acknowledgment
Acceptance
Activity

Triple A! AAA is often a score you get when you ace a game 🙂

For me, healthy activity is… Making sure I take my medication every day, keeping up with my personal hygiene. Keeping my personal space clean and organised. Letting others love me and doing the same in return. Watching planes go by (seriously calms me), classical music and believe it or not… Studying. I guess it’s my minds way of a spring clean.

Self help is fucking hard.
It’s harder to climb up the hill than it is to roll down it, landing face down in the dirt.

The view at the top is worth it though.

You can always get back up though, specially with effort and others.

Mental and Emotional Dysmorphia

Losing weight is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you lose weight, your mind is still stuck in the overweight body.

Getting well is hard. Your mind set is locked in. Once you’ve progressed, your mind is still stuck in the unstable mind.

How do we change our thoughts about ourselves?

How do we accept and acknowledge the achievements that we’ve made?

Habits are hard to break. Addictions are hard to break. As silly as it sounds, It’s easy to get stuck in your prior mind set because it’s so familiar. It’s easy to feel comfortable because you don’t know any different and change is always foreign and unwelcome at first.

Habits can be invisible chains and you convince yourself that you can’t reach the wire cutters. Sometimes they’re already in your hand.

Effort. When you tell yourself that your reservoir is smaller than it really is, you don’t try.

How do we find the energy to lift our hand and apply pressure on the handle?

I am hard on myself.

My mind is an orchestra

Imagine that your mind is made of several instruments, a mini orchestra of sorts. Working cohesively. Keys are pressed, strings are plucked and air is exhaled, all iminating sound. The universe is the composer and you are the Conductor.

Now imagine the feeling you get, when you stand in front of a huge and loud speaker. Think of how the bass feels when it moves through your body.

This is what it feels like in my mind, when I’m listening to classical music. My favourites are romantic nocturnes and ballads. Allegro makes my mind feel chaotic and that’s not the result I’m aiming for.

As the music plays, it uses my mind as an instrument. Every time a significant note is played, it feels like my mind is reacting. It feels as if the notes are using my illusive synapses as strings to pluck, the neurons move in time with the speed. When a key is struck it feels like my mind expands gently with the note being played.

This is how I get to sleep. It puts my mind into a state of utter rest and relaxation. My body melts into my mattress and I dissolve into slumber.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while.

Meditation is important.
I wake up feeling very refreshed the next morning when I do this.

It’s my new tool of self care.
I’m learning as I go.
Shifting from one end of the universe to the other.

I’m convinced I’m stunted emotionally and mentally. A year ago, mentally – I felt and acted as if I was 16 years old.

With the changes that have occurred over time, my mind has moved from feeling as if I’m 16, then slowly to 18. Right now, I feel like I’m 19. Mature but not just independent enough. I have 4 more years to catch up to.

It’s okay to be a late bloomer.
Work on it.
It just means that you’re going to peak a bit later in life.
And that absolutely fine.

Work on yourself.
Love yourself.
Heal yourself.
Care for yourself.

Sharing is caring :)

I’m a true believer of karma. I’ve talked about it before. I don’t do deeds to accumulate good karma though, least not consciously. I do it instinctively 🙂

I had my orientation on the Friday just gone. After befriending a fellow classee, we talked about money. I was feeling hungry so I offered to get him food. Food is much better with company anyway.

Fast forward to today, I’ve put myself out there a bit more. Talking to more unfamiliar faces. Making small talk. The conversations are all the same.but I can’t help but want to get to know more people.

Oh yeah. What where was I going with this?

While waiting inside the shopping centre I sat myself down next to someone I’ve talked to today. As we were chatting I mentioned which part of the menu was my favourite. They got up, asked me if I was hungry and bought it for me.

Karma isn’t that straight forward.

If you help an old lady cross the street today, an old lady isn’t going to help you cross the street the next day.

The universe is finicky as best.

I’m still lapping up feeling stable.

Living and giving

I have a soft spot for those who live without the basics in life.

I have wordly things but what I lack is a healthy mind. I appreciate all the help I am given. Especially when I can’t give anything in return (least that’s how I feel).

I give money to homeless people. If I have coins in my bag, I’ll freely empty it all out for them. I try to use my judgement as best as I can. Give to those who’s auras are the most dim. Sometimes a needy person gives off an intimidating aura. I don’t feel as if I can do anything to help them.

I have never held a stable job. I’ve been on the benefit three times I’ve always lived at home. In today’s society we tell ourselves and each other that our earnings are of our own. If someone else didn’t earn their own then they aren’t entitled to any help. If you don’t have much then you shouldn’t share or give. Keep it to yourself because you need it all.

I’ve been told to stop helping people. When I worked at the airport I would attempt to try and help people who looked lost. If someone needed a lighter, I’d let them use mine. If someone had a heavy bag, I’d load it on to the bus even though I wasn’t going the same way. One day I saw a pair of parents with 3 kids. One infant and two toddlers. The infant in a carry thingy, two trolleys and one pushchair. Instinctively I couldn’t let them walk past. It was raining and so I helped them out. I don’t feel as if I had been disadvantaged. I did it because I wanted to.

I like to think my judgement compass isn’t too off. I’d say some times it is.  I’d assume sometimes it is. I’ve been told that if I help too much then I’ll be taken advantage of. Maybe so, it hasn’t happened yet, in terms of assisting strangers. That could be a possibility. Maybe I am helping some of the wrong people.

Today an island lady asked me for money. It took me three “pardons?” And one “I dont understand what you’re saying” to realise she was asking for money. I gave her my coins in my bag – probably equated to $1.80NZD. Then I walked off to have a smoke.

I thought to myself. I’ve been hired for a job. I have money in the bank. I can spare 5 dollars. So I went to the dairy, bought me an energy drink and got out the five dollars. As I walked back to the lady I had seen she had bought herself food. I gave her the five dollars. She looked slightly heartbroken as I walked away. I couldn’t understand her language so I nodded you’re welcome to her as I walked away.

Maybe I’m wrong for giving needy people my money and essentially my energy. But you know what? Fuck what society says about that stuff. I appreciate the small things people do to help me in my journey to a healthy mind. People smile at others as they go by, that costs energy.

I hope that lady has a warm place to sleep. Its winter in New Zealand.

I know I can’t help them all. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to help at all.