Incapacitanxiety

I’ve come to accept the fact that my mental health or there lack of, is part of me.

Pain and suffering is subjective. We all have different pain thresholds whether it be physical or emotional.

When I think about my anxiety I think..
Am I good enough?
Am I doing enough?
Will I fail?
Will I disappoint this person?
Will I upset this person?

I think of all these negative outcomes and I convince myself they’re more probable than otherwise.

Sitting at my desk in class I want to cry.
I understand the content.
I know what to do.
Yet I want to cry.

My anxiety has now morphed into depression.

I just went to get the extension cord out of the cupboard to plug in the dryer. It wasn’t in there yet I stood there anyway. I looked at the dark space at the bottom of the cupboard and thought “I wanna sit under there, close the door, sit in the dark and cry”. So I did, but in a bigger cupboard lol

I moved things out of the way, climbed in, shut the door, sat in the dark and I cried. When I opened the door I said to myself “okay, enough of that for now” and here I am. Blogging about it.

I’m gunna go look for that cord now so I can dry the washing (not hang myself, yet the thought is kinda faint).

I’m so dramatic.

Incapacity
Verb
Prevent from functing in a normal way.”

Self Help

It works in conjunction with other factors.

Acknowledgment is step numero uno. Actually. There is no order. Everyone is different.

When you realise you need help, don’t rely on one thing alone and don’t rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Don’t rely on medication alone.
Don’t just rely on others.
Don’t try stick it out by yourself.
Don’t rely on counselling alone.
They can all work together cohesively.

All of the resources available will help build the structural integrity of your soul and well-being.

Accepting help from others is important. You need all of the resources that you can get.

Sometimes you need help from others before you can help yourself. Sometimes it works the other way around. I think it might depend on whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.

How do you know if you are actively accepting the help though? How do you know if you’re taking it in, and not letting it go in one ear and out the other?

“I know”
It’s what we say when someone is giving us advice that we already know. We’re acknowledging it but we aren’t really accepting it. Its pretty much denial. We aren’t being active.

Being active (in a healthy manner) is the effort you put in.

Being unwell sometimes makes you blind.
When you have people who are willing to help, in the best case scenario, we should take it. This isn’t always the case though. Too often, it’s not.

Recap:
Acknowledgment
Acceptance
Activity

Triple A! AAA is often a score you get when you ace a game 🙂

For me, healthy activity is… Making sure I take my medication every day, keeping up with my personal hygiene. Keeping my personal space clean and organised. Letting others love me and doing the same in return. Watching planes go by (seriously calms me), classical music and believe it or not… Studying. I guess it’s my minds way of a spring clean.

Self help is fucking hard.
It’s harder to climb up the hill than it is to roll down it, landing face down in the dirt.

The view at the top is worth it though.

You can always get back up though, specially with effort and others.

Uncharacteristic

I’ve been very up and down lately. Mostly down. My mood most definitely is not stable.

I just growled at a lady in the corner of my eye whilst looking at my phone, she was attempting to push her way in front of me in a line.

That was very uncharacteristic of me. It was like a primal growl. “Get the fuck out!” Sort of growl. Usually I’d just let them go, I’d get on when I get on.

The first ever time I realised I was unwell, at my lowest, I looked at myself and thought.. This isn’t me. I’m not that person. I feel like that today. I’ve been taking my medication every night but I haven’t been able to shake this feeling.

This hurdle is made of thorns and they’re morphing into glass.

I’m wondering if I need to see the doctor or work it out within myself… With help of course.

After thoughts

The snowball started the day after fathers day.

I’ve never really acknowledged that day. It’s always been reserved for my mum. I didn’t have a father figure growing up. Now that my dad is dead, I won’t be able to change that on this plane of existence. This makes me both sad and angry. That day, I didn’t want to be around people. I left my last class of the day early, went home to my cave and went to sleep.

Tuesday was frustrating because we were given a test with vague instructions. Finishing that test made me feel discouraged and disappointed. That same day, I got those marks I was disappointed in (but I was being silly).

Today I was given instructions on what we were actually supposed to do for the test. It was not how I initially interpreted it. The same went for everyone else in my class. It was frustrating.

Right now I’m thinking, how can I fix this?

I’m going to study more. It’s like… Having a messy work space. When you clean it up then you can be organised and think more clearly. That’s what I’m going to do. Tidy up my work space before it gets overwhelming.

I can do this… Right?

Discontinued

Yesterday I felt depressed. Today I feel angry.

I’m wondering.. is my medication enough to get me through real life? Do I need to up my dosage? Or do I need to extend my internal reservoir? And if I do, how do I go about it?

Last night I go to my mum.. “I’m depressed.. but I did go to my classes today!” Which she replied.. “Yeah, you can be depressed and go to work. You can be depressed and go to class”

It’s very true. It’s something I’ve only just lightly grasped. The day before last was hard though. I didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want to keep my eyes open. I didn’t want. I just didn’t want. I ended up leaving that class 20 minutes in.

This morning was frustrating. That class needs a lot of initiative. The tutor gives us our exercise and leaves us to our own devices. I’m assuming his wife is very ill because he’s brought up that she’s sick, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to impact his work too. Yesterday we were given a test which I’m assuming we all failed miserably at. I say this because he gave out a sheet with instructions. So we did that. When I had realised what I had done wrong, I started fixing my mistakes. This made me horribly irritable and angry.

I wanted to smash my head into my laptop. I didn’t though. I collected myself. Did what I needed to do, double checked it and sent if off.

I felt better.. but I still have this fire in my chest.

I think back to when I was most unwell. This is because I recognise this feeling. Angry for no reason.

There must be a reason..

Yesterday I got my marks back from an assignment I did last week. I got 16 1/2 out of 20. I was immensely disappointed in myself. I want better marks. This wasn’t good enough. I’m failing myself and expectations.

I’m being too hard on myself I know.

I talked to my support net, my mum and brother. They rationalised it for me. That’s actually a good mark. It’s 82.5 percent. That’s an -A grade. This made me feel better.

I’m still snow balling though.

I’ve named this post Discontinued because I feel like my positive studious outlook has disappeared.

Impulse

Sugar, spice and everything nice. Oh, and a few buckets of evil.

We all have those voices. That doesn’t make you crazy… Does it?

Less people like to admit it than most.

The other day I was in the car with mum. She asked me “Do you ever want to kill yourself?” which I replied with “Do you really want to know that answer?”. She did. So I said yes.

I explained to her that it’s not something I ponder about, It’s not something I’m planning. I don’t know if this is a suicidal tendency or not. I don’t want to die. I want to excel in life.

For several years (maybe longer than I’ve noticed?) I’ve had this voice. Impulse. It’s menacing and whispers, never yells.

“Jump in front of that truck, do it”
“Throw this through that window, go on”
“Drink more”
“scrape your key all the way along that car”

It’s here.. then gone. In a flash. Like lightning without the thunder.

Sometimes I wonder if I will act on these sinister impulses.

When they’re gone, I forget about it. I put it out of my mind. It’s like it speeds back into the inner depths of my psyche.

If I were to try and think back… think back to the birth of Impulse. I would place it at the age of 12. That’s when I started self harming. I even attempted (feebly) to hang myself. I think I was curious about how it feels. It was the Impulse that I acted on. I didn’t like the choking feeling and I guess I didn’t actually want to die. Or else I wouldn’t be typing this out.

This is probably something I should delve into with my counsellor. I always forget about it because there are bigger, more superficial things going on in my life.

I don’t like digging into my mind. When I dig far enough it feels like I’m clawing at the ground. Trying to scrape through a layer made of broken glass, my nails starting to break off. My finger tips raw with blood and bone.

It’s a feeling I prefer to avoid.

Impulse.
Sometimes the whispers speak louder than yelling.

My mind is an orchestra

Imagine that your mind is made of several instruments, a mini orchestra of sorts. Working cohesively. Keys are pressed, strings are plucked and air is exhaled, all iminating sound. The universe is the composer and you are the Conductor.

Now imagine the feeling you get, when you stand in front of a huge and loud speaker. Think of how the bass feels when it moves through your body.

This is what it feels like in my mind, when I’m listening to classical music. My favourites are romantic nocturnes and ballads. Allegro makes my mind feel chaotic and that’s not the result I’m aiming for.

As the music plays, it uses my mind as an instrument. Every time a significant note is played, it feels like my mind is reacting. It feels as if the notes are using my illusive synapses as strings to pluck, the neurons move in time with the speed. When a key is struck it feels like my mind expands gently with the note being played.

This is how I get to sleep. It puts my mind into a state of utter rest and relaxation. My body melts into my mattress and I dissolve into slumber.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while.

Meditation is important.
I wake up feeling very refreshed the next morning when I do this.

It’s my new tool of self care.
I’m learning as I go.
Shifting from one end of the universe to the other.

I’m convinced I’m stunted emotionally and mentally. A year ago, mentally – I felt and acted as if I was 16 years old.

With the changes that have occurred over time, my mind has moved from feeling as if I’m 16, then slowly to 18. Right now, I feel like I’m 19. Mature but not just independent enough. I have 4 more years to catch up to.

It’s okay to be a late bloomer.
Work on it.
It just means that you’re going to peak a bit later in life.
And that absolutely fine.

Work on yourself.
Love yourself.
Heal yourself.
Care for yourself.

Dusty Mollys

In my earliest blogs, I used to write about the several minty’s that ruled my conscious mind. I don’t write about them anymore because they’ve been put on a shelf. They’re in storage.

The other night I was talking to my mum. I told her that I didn’t feel like I could handle working my one shift a week.. on top of my full time study. We eventually agreed that I will stick it out.

Mum told me to leave Little Minty at home. She can be out from 8pm Saturday til 8am Monday morning. Little Minty is my inner self that needs a lot of nurturing.

She personified a couple new Mintys. “KFC Minty” and “IT Minty”. KFC Minty has almost impecible work ethics. She also named an IT Minty this is the studious one.

I said to my mum “KFC Minty” is on the shelf collecting dust. I put her there when I quit my last job. That’s when I realised the others were too.

My counsellor gave me an article some time ago. The writer talks about her inner egos and how they were a part of her.

As time goes by I’m realising that I have negative inner egos and also productive ones.

My Minty’s are lined up on the shelf are like dollys. Hence, Molly’s. Minty dollys! Some come out for play time. Some don’t.

We giggled when I said, oh! And smelly minty – Smolly! Lol

Life is a balancing act.
We’re always walking on a tight rope.

Edit: I read this post to my mum. She said to me that life isn’t always a tight rope. Sometimes it’s like a playground. Which totally makes sense if you’re taking dollys out to play.

Aiming for A’s

After making myself feel horrible all week, I feel good right now.

One of my tutors keeps drilling “attendance = achievement” into our heads. He also says that’s only part of it. Attending the classes will help you pass… With C grades. All of my tutors remind us that we have to make the effort in our own time. To study at least 4 hours a week for each class. I’ve been doing exactly that.

Today I realised that I’ve made the commitment to aim for A’s.

I’ve had two tests this week, one last week. The one from last week hasn’t been marked. I got 80% on the second test (worth 10% of that class’ grade overall) and I got full marks on the third test (worth 20% of that class’ grade overall). I’m really stoked with those grades! I know I aced the first one too.

Attendance equals achievement.

Making sure I motivate myself enough to get out of bed each morning, means I will attend my classes.
Making sure I attend my classes means I won’t fall behind.
Keeping up means I can aim for A’s.

Attendance equals achievement.
Achievement can equal A’s.