I love my family [A draft I wrote 7 months ago]

In the darkest depths and brightest altitudes,
my family has always been there.
My inner circle is actually a triangle.
Consisting of my mum, brother and me.
It’s always been just us.
Like the rings of a tree,
our relatives,
family friends,
and acquaintances
Help make up the tree that you see.

Some how that came out more poetic than I meant it to lol It’s how I feel though. In the darkest depths of my depression and grief, they’ve always been there. They’re always there to throw out a flotation device. Sometimes I don’t even see it. So it drifts about on it’s tether, with them on the other side. Sometimes I think I ignore it, wanting to sink to the bottom and drown. Sometimes, the life line falls perfectly over me. Nevertheless, they always pull me in. There’s always a clean change of clothes, blanket and a hot drink.

I love my family.

My mind is an orchestra

Imagine that your mind is made of several instruments, a mini orchestra of sorts. Working cohesively. Keys are pressed, strings are plucked and air is exhaled, all iminating sound. The universe is the composer and you are the Conductor.

Now imagine the feeling you get, when you stand in front of a huge and loud speaker. Think of how the bass feels when it moves through your body.

This is what it feels like in my mind, when I’m listening to classical music. My favourites are romantic nocturnes and ballads. Allegro makes my mind feel chaotic and that’s not the result I’m aiming for.

As the music plays, it uses my mind as an instrument. Every time a significant note is played, it feels like my mind is reacting. It feels as if the notes are using my illusive synapses as strings to pluck, the neurons move in time with the speed. When a key is struck it feels like my mind expands gently with the note being played.

This is how I get to sleep. It puts my mind into a state of utter rest and relaxation. My body melts into my mattress and I dissolve into slumber.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while.

Meditation is important.
I wake up feeling very refreshed the next morning when I do this.

It’s my new tool of self care.
I’m learning as I go.
Shifting from one end of the universe to the other.

I’m convinced I’m stunted emotionally and mentally. A year ago, mentally – I felt and acted as if I was 16 years old.

With the changes that have occurred over time, my mind has moved from feeling as if I’m 16, then slowly to 18. Right now, I feel like I’m 19. Mature but not just independent enough. I have 4 more years to catch up to.

It’s okay to be a late bloomer.
Work on it.
It just means that you’re going to peak a bit later in life.
And that absolutely fine.

Work on yourself.
Love yourself.
Heal yourself.
Care for yourself.

Cool, Calm and Chaotic

I’ve found a new tool to get me to sleep at night.
I listen to classical music.
I prefer soft and calm music.
Chopin, Debussy and Joe Hisashi.

One morning on the bus I felt chaotic. My mind was a jumble of garbled feedback. I was listening to EDM and thought, what if I listen to my “zzz” playlist instead?

So I did and it helped.

It’s a small achievement in my books, being able to find a healthy distraction. Make that two achievements! They’re bigger than I give credit. Hitting two birds with one stone.

Sometimes my imagination and mind will get caught up in the music. I remind myself to focus on the notes and instruments.

My favourite feeling, is that relaxing calm before I fall asleep. That music does exactly that. It also helps to relax my chest, it feels like it’s deflating. In a good way though.

I am grateful for this.

Routines and doing what you gotta do.

It’s my second week into studying. I’ve had to adjust quickly to my new timetable. I’m using my brain at least 25 more hours than I initially would. It’s tiring, in a good way though.

It’s been interesting going from doing nothing to have an almost full week.

Now that I have my study hours finalised, I have a more rounded idea of the hours needed. 20 hours in class and at least 20 hours self directed. I haven’t made a proper timetable but it’s a weight off my shoulder knowing what is expected (that’s odd right? you would think that knowing this, would make it more daunting). Maybe that’s what my problem has been. Being too scared to find out the bigger picture, in case I fail. With my work hours that i’ll need to factor in, I have most evenings and all of Sunday to find slots for studying.

Here’s what I’m thinking. At least an hour a day on each subject. A subject a day – 4 hours. Using Sunday to revise.
It makes more sense to dedicate an hour a day to each subject. I’ll do that 🙂 Does anyone have any advice for me? I’ve never tried to be this organised before. I want to do well. I’m dragging over the ladder, so I can pick the fruit at the top most of the tree.

i’ve been sick these past several days. I caught a cold from the doctors I’m assuming. I spent my weekend recouping and I’m still a bit sick now. Back in the old days (lol) I wouldn’t go into class if I felt the slightest bit sick. It would be my excise to stay home in my safe spot. I did it though, I turned up for class yesterday. It was hard and I struggled through the day and most of the last half. I’m pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately the world won’t wait for me even if I’m sick.

Another change – a routine. In the morning – I wake up, have a smoke, have a shower, get my back together and leave. This morning I even got up half an hour earlier than I usually would. I even had time to go over some stuff for my first class. This is a huge feat. My old routine consisted of sleeping until the early afternoon, not doing much else for the rest of the day. In the evenings I’m tired earlier than I used to be. I’ll brush my teeth, go to bed, assuming the sleeping position and rest for the next day. I would never say to myself before going to sleep – “we need to rest up for tomorrow, get all the sleeps that you can!”

I still feel well. Physically, no. I feel like crap but my mind is aware and awake.

I used to say to myself that i’ll never take feeling OK for granted.
Now I have to privilege of being well.

This is most definitely a gift that I won’t take for granted and will hold on to for as long as I can.

Like I said, the world doesn’t stop even if I’m sick.
It doesn’t stop even if I’m manic.
It doesn’t stop even if I’m depressed.
Time for healing is essential. Some people need more time to recharge than others.
Don’t get caught up though.

Marvelous Minty

Today was a spectacular day!

It was productive and I was given very flattering compliments that really made me feel great. Some life plans are also syncing together.

Since starting my journey to wellness I’ve stopped taking “feeling okay” for granted. It’s something not often felt when you have an invisible illness. Today though, I felt on top of the world. I felt as if I wanted to strive for greatness and in my own way, I took advantage of it. I savoured the feeling.

I wish that I felt this was every day. I wish I could program myself to be this way all the time. I know realistically it’s not that easy though.

I know today was not a manic high. I know myself and today I wasn’t a manic crackhead high (I’ve never taken crack but from what I’ve heard – I’d compare my manic highs to that).

I felt upbeat and bouncey. I put a random playlist on from iheartradio (No Doubt :D) and sang away while I cleaned. It’s nice to feel high without being twitchy and panicked, while my heart thumps away at the speed of light.

I’m tired now though. I have had a great day and in my own little way I feel positive and accomplished. I feel like some plans are about to come to fruision soon.

I can’t say that tomorrow will be the same but I’m glad today was the way it was.