Crash and burn

I’ve been going to the doctors every day since.. Saturday? Each of those visits were 2-3 hours long with the exception of one 4 hours wait and another 1.5 hours wait.

It’s mentally draining me now.

My infection is resistant to 2 out of 4 antibiotics. I was given the first two as a ‘just Incase these work’. This was before they figured out what was wrong.

I feel like I should be annoyed but I’m not. I understand the people waiting are sick too. I understand the doctors are working long hours. I understand that the nurses are working hard and are constantly on their feet for hours at a time. I understand that the receptionists are doing their job, while dealing with the occasional irate patient. I understand that the children are restless from waiting in a boring room.

The bright lights hurt my mind. I wish there was a blue light in the corner of the room to keep me feeling calm subconsciously. The chairs are uncomfortable and the clinics are poorly ventilated, resulting in a very muggy and smelly room.

I want this infection gone.

I’m so tired.

I have to stick with it though.

Don’t crash and burn.
Remember to breathe.

Stunted

I started this post a couple months ago. I never finished it so here goes..

~~~

Since high school I’ve noticed that every 6 months, I’d have… I guess a mental lapse. Back then it looked like an uninterested teenager. Looking back, I see the pattern. Every year I’d start out well. I’d get good grades. My concentration would slip though. I’d drop off after 4 months or so. Get behind in work and studying.. and then give up. The rest of the year would be spent skipping school, staying up late with my noisey mind and sleeping most days. When I did go though, I wouldn’t do any work unless it interested me, if I did I would still lose concentration and the will to try pretty fast.

~~~

How appropriate that I should choose to finish this post now.

Full time study can be rough, depending on the circumstances. Draining. I know this myself, from past experiences.

I don’t feel like this will be the same as before. I’m really excited.

When I was studying to be a Nurse, I often found myself feeling out of place and disinterested.

“Why do you want to be a Nurse?”

I honestly did not know the answer. I still don’t know the answer to that.

“Why do you want to work in IT?”

I don’t have a specific answer to this. In comparison to the first one though, I can talk a lot more. There’s a seed here, that was never sowed in my nursing studies.

Interest? Fascinatination? The unknown?

I’ll admit I don’t know a heck of a lot. I will learn it though, and that excites me.

I know little bits and pieces but not a lot about those bits and pieces. It’s like a Jackson Pollock painting. Different splishes and splashes gliterred here and there, making a cohesive and colourful mess. Art can be interpreted in many ways, depending on how you decide to let yourself think about it. People can see that those tiny splashes are of paint. How is it that these blobs work so cohesively?

I totally got sidetracked just then lol

Anyway, I think.. I will do better this time. I will look at these splodges as a whole network. Being interested and fascinated is part of keeping my concentration. My own efforts will determine the rest.

Am I manic? Or just in a good mood?

These past two days at uni have been awesome. I shed my old scales immensely fast but I’m hoping that doesn’t bite me in the butt in the long run.

In terms of my studies..
Anxious? Sort of but mostly excited.
Scared? Not really. I’m pumped.
Talk too much? Oh yes, I’m cracking jokes to often I think too.

Because I think I’ve been unwell the majority of my life. I’m afraid that this isn’t me trying my hardest to be well and happy.  I’m scared that this is prolonged mania.

How do I know if this is a large amount of mania spread evenly over several days?

Is that even possible?

Am I starting to sabotage myself by doubting myself?

There’s an infernal war waging inside of me. Good vs Evil. They coexist together right?

There’s a lot of tugging and pulling within my soul. It’s not just one way or the other either. It’s being tugged and pulled from different directions.

It feels conflicting and confusing.

I know I’m capable but I don’t tell myself that enough.

Our Infomation and Communication skills tutorial, touched on the subject -> self concept. I think I’ll write about that after a smoke because it’s buzzing around in my mind lol

Plus I allocated a colouring pencil (I’m too cool for highlighters) to marking what sparks my interest, and to blog about it.

Sharing is caring :)

I’m a true believer of karma. I’ve talked about it before. I don’t do deeds to accumulate good karma though, least not consciously. I do it instinctively 🙂

I had my orientation on the Friday just gone. After befriending a fellow classee, we talked about money. I was feeling hungry so I offered to get him food. Food is much better with company anyway.

Fast forward to today, I’ve put myself out there a bit more. Talking to more unfamiliar faces. Making small talk. The conversations are all the same.but I can’t help but want to get to know more people.

Oh yeah. What where was I going with this?

While waiting inside the shopping centre I sat myself down next to someone I’ve talked to today. As we were chatting I mentioned which part of the menu was my favourite. They got up, asked me if I was hungry and bought it for me.

Karma isn’t that straight forward.

If you help an old lady cross the street today, an old lady isn’t going to help you cross the street the next day.

The universe is finicky as best.

I’m still lapping up feeling stable.

On a lighter note

It was my first day back studying.

I think its been a year or maybe a bit more since my last attempt at studying failed followed by an exhausting prolonged mental break down.

Studying IT. There are 3 other girls in my class. The other 26 or so are guys. I say it doesn’t bother me but maybe it does. I think those thoughts are for a different post though. This one is a positive one 🙂

Last night and over the weekend I’ve felt pumped. Ready, set, go!

Today I’ve felt like – I’ve got this!

I admit I was really nervous. Before today I didn’t know Amy of the content or important dates. Tomorrow I will be introduced to the last two papers.

Now that I have a fair idea, I feel confident. I can’t back down now. I’m sure I will along the way.. but who knows!

Feeling capable is a feeling that I don’t often get the chance to relish in. So I’m going to soak it all up. Maybe it will stick on me permanently?

I hope so!

Fickle

Perspectives are subject to change.

I’ve been coming to the doctors for the past three days. Each day, 2-3 hours wait.

The first two days were fine. I was content sitting in the waiting room, watching kids play as their families waited for hours too. It amazes me how well behaved kids are here. I was happy to wait. Content with sitting. I understood that we were all waiting, had been waiting for a long time. I was enjoying watching the kids run around chasing each other laughing. Regardless of the ill people around me.
I would be seen, when I’d get seen.

Today I am hoha. Hoha is a Maori word. It has many meanings. All similar. I’m this situation. I feel irritable and tired. My fuse is short. I’m even kind of gritting my teeth in annoyance. I want to get out of here ASAP. It’s too warm in here. I want a nap. Hearing people talk is irritating me. I want to listen to my music loud with both ear buds in my ears, I have to listen out for my name though.

It’s interesting how, you can be in the same situation more than once. The variables are still the same. Yet you are not.

The waiting room consists of opal blue linoleum, turquoise doors and off cream walls that may have once been a bit brighter. The boards around the room are garnered with notices of the same colour palette as the room.
“Please do not abuse our staff”
“HAVE YOU REPORTED TO THE RECEPTIONIST?”
There’s a curious dark blue gate on the far side of the room. I guess the staff room is back there and they must hide in there, away from irate sick people.

Oh hey, I just saw a kid cover their mouth as they coughed. Kudos! Seeing anyone cough without covering their mouths is my pet peeve lol

I’m having a brain fart right now. Too much is going on around me at once.

Living and giving

I have a soft spot for those who live without the basics in life.

I have wordly things but what I lack is a healthy mind. I appreciate all the help I am given. Especially when I can’t give anything in return (least that’s how I feel).

I give money to homeless people. If I have coins in my bag, I’ll freely empty it all out for them. I try to use my judgement as best as I can. Give to those who’s auras are the most dim. Sometimes a needy person gives off an intimidating aura. I don’t feel as if I can do anything to help them.

I have never held a stable job. I’ve been on the benefit three times I’ve always lived at home. In today’s society we tell ourselves and each other that our earnings are of our own. If someone else didn’t earn their own then they aren’t entitled to any help. If you don’t have much then you shouldn’t share or give. Keep it to yourself because you need it all.

I’ve been told to stop helping people. When I worked at the airport I would attempt to try and help people who looked lost. If someone needed a lighter, I’d let them use mine. If someone had a heavy bag, I’d load it on to the bus even though I wasn’t going the same way. One day I saw a pair of parents with 3 kids. One infant and two toddlers. The infant in a carry thingy, two trolleys and one pushchair. Instinctively I couldn’t let them walk past. It was raining and so I helped them out. I don’t feel as if I had been disadvantaged. I did it because I wanted to.

I like to think my judgement compass isn’t too off. I’d say some times it is.  I’d assume sometimes it is. I’ve been told that if I help too much then I’ll be taken advantage of. Maybe so, it hasn’t happened yet, in terms of assisting strangers. That could be a possibility. Maybe I am helping some of the wrong people.

Today an island lady asked me for money. It took me three “pardons?” And one “I dont understand what you’re saying” to realise she was asking for money. I gave her my coins in my bag – probably equated to $1.80NZD. Then I walked off to have a smoke.

I thought to myself. I’ve been hired for a job. I have money in the bank. I can spare 5 dollars. So I went to the dairy, bought me an energy drink and got out the five dollars. As I walked back to the lady I had seen she had bought herself food. I gave her the five dollars. She looked slightly heartbroken as I walked away. I couldn’t understand her language so I nodded you’re welcome to her as I walked away.

Maybe I’m wrong for giving needy people my money and essentially my energy. But you know what? Fuck what society says about that stuff. I appreciate the small things people do to help me in my journey to a healthy mind. People smile at others as they go by, that costs energy.

I hope that lady has a warm place to sleep. Its winter in New Zealand.

I know I can’t help them all. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to help at all.

Dopamine is dope

I’m trying to quit smoking. It’s really hard! I know in my heart that I want to quit. Even my conscious me wants to quit. I’m addicted though.

I understand that addiction is partly dictated by how I’ve tampered with my brain by constantly seeking a pick me up, and partly, well.. me!

I find it fascinating how such a thing can affect the way the circuits in my brain work. I understand that addiction affects neurotransmitters and how they act within the limbic system. Dopamine eventually lessens as time goes by resulting in seeking out what ever addiction it is more and more.

My will has never been very strong but with the changes in my life , I need to fix this. The mintys in my mind tell me it’s okay, do what you need to do. But I tell myself I need this. I know I don’t but I want it.

It’s hard.

If I can give up my gaming addiction then I should be able to overcome this.

Relapse?

I’ve been lapping up feeling stable. Feeling like I’m a functioning human being. Being emersed in the land of the living.

Today though, was like so many I’ve had before. I felt as if I wanted to be still. Before going back to sleep at around noon I thought to myself… I feel like being motionless, like being still. I felt safe under my blankets. I watched the tree swaying around outside my window and thought, I used to do this. I used to lie in bed watching the tree swaying. Under blankets feeling safe and sleepy. Some days I would watch the clouds go by for hours. No music, no sound. Just me. Being nothing, feeling nothing. I felt invisible and untouchable. Unreachable. Off the grid.

I guess the last fortnight has been so busy, my mind just shut off today. Recharging. I’m an introvert so naturally I need my “me time”.

I can’t imagine feeling this every day anymore. Although, I’m starting a new chapter and I hope I can manage it. From next week I will be studying fulltime and I’m waiting on hearing back from a part time job. I had a trial shift yesterday.

I can’t repeat old habits. I need to fight harder. I need to grow up so I can feel as if I’m not stuck in the mud. As if I’m not motionless all the time.

I’ve been enjoying my time in the land of the living.
I hope to have a permanent spot here. It’s wishful thinking but I know it’s possible.