“Sorry, I’m not feeling well today”

It’s easy to feel guilty when you cancel or postpone plans because you are feeling unwell.. notice how I didn’t say sick?

Introversion and depression are the worst combination when it comes to social interactions and plans.

This how my family can tell I have a cloud looming over me.. it also signals that I don’t really feel like talking about it but I’d still like to keep you on the same page as me.

There’s a little voice that snickers; you can walk and breathe, you can still make it. How can you justify not stepping outside just because you’re feeling a little low?

I can’t help but feel a bit guilty. I had things I planned to do today but from past experiences I’ve learnt that forcing myself to step outside feeling unwell never ends well.

Easily overwhelmed 

Easily agitated

Easily upset

Easily just stay home instead.

I’ll be okay, I just need to recharge at home with my cat.

Queue next chapter

It’s been a while since I was last active.

Life has been good. I’ve been good! Studies are good. Relationships are good.

I’m content with good. Good means stable and stability isn’t something that I have gifted myself in the past.

This is the second semester into my two year diploma. I’m still working and living..

This is the next chapter.

My last chapter ended when I felt well and stable.

It’s true what they say – creativity comes from the darkest of places.

I’ve taken myself off my medication and it’s an interesting journey so far. My reservoir is bigger than before but it may not be a smart move.

I will find out I guess…

I love my family [A draft I wrote 7 months ago]

In the darkest depths and brightest altitudes,
my family has always been there.
My inner circle is actually a triangle.
Consisting of my mum, brother and me.
It’s always been just us.
Like the rings of a tree,
our relatives,
family friends,
and acquaintances
Help make up the tree that you see.

Some how that came out more poetic than I meant it to lol It’s how I feel though. In the darkest depths of my depression and grief, they’ve always been there. They’re always there to throw out a flotation device. Sometimes I don’t even see it. So it drifts about on it’s tether, with them on the other side. Sometimes I think I ignore it, wanting to sink to the bottom and drown. Sometimes, the life line falls perfectly over me. Nevertheless, they always pull me in. There’s always a clean change of clothes, blanket and a hot drink.

I love my family.

It’s a man’s world

I am planning on working in a widely male dominated career.

I don’t think I’m as worried as I should be. There is one female to every five males in my class. You would think that this would pose a problem but it doesn’t. I’ve been thinking about why. I am assuming that because these guys are fairly young, they haven’t been instilled with strong prejudices that existed a decade ago. They are growing up in a world where woman have more rights than they used to. The guys in my class are very polite. There is no tension between us regardless of our genders.

I know there are older men in the industry though. They have learned different ideals at their dining tables. Ignorance may be a factor, whereas I think these ideals are fading with every generation.

I don’t know what to expect when I enter the industry. I don’t know if I’ve struck it lucky with my class. Are guys like this in the industry? I’m not sure yet.

In several years, I will find out.

Freedom of speech

All of my posts are usually about myself. This had the cogs in my mind churning though. After reading an article, I scrolled down to the comments. It made my blood boil and this was the result. I’ve linked the article at the bottom and my rant is in regards to comments made on Facebook by kiwis.

Commence rant!

This isn’t about whether we have the space or money to take in refugees.

What gets me about the comments under this article are comments like “we don’t want more Muslims” “they will do what they do in Australia, force their religion on us, cause crimes, drugs, guns etc” “they don’t integrate into NZ society”

People are good at running their mouths.

We don’t want more Muslims?
Says who?
Anyone, any race, any gender, can be Muslim. I bet people wouldn’t be saying that if people from Malaysia were seeking asylum here. Why? Because people are ignorant and uneducated. Because people seem to think Muslim is a race and religion put together.

They’ll do what they did in Australia?
Look around people. No one is safe. Terrorist attacks could happen anywhere. Piss enough people off and they’ll come running.
Also, do people read the news? Have they heard of Race Rallies that take place in Australia? Race riots? It’s a thing you know.
Google Reclaim Australia. Overzealous Anti-Islamists. If you have tax paying Muslims then let them have their Halal. You don’t have to eat it. Sharia law? That’s for your government to decide. Vote for someone who isn’t an idiot. As for the crime? Back that up with statistics against your own.
People on the streets always stop others to try and convert them, some even knock on your door. They leave a little musty smelling book. Do kiwis tell them to get out? No. Because so many kiwis are racist.

They don’t integrate into NZ society?
Can you blame them? With attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to mix with New Zealanders either if that was my initial impression. Some actually do. You just don’t know it.

I have met amazing Muslim people in my life. The ones that I have met, have been the most hospitable, warm, welcoming human beings I have ever met. Why let the news dictate your feelings on a large group of people, made of so many ethnicities, from different places in the world.

Go make friends with a Muslim person.
Find out how awesome they can be.

People don’t run away from war to start war. Least that’s what I like to think.