Discontinued

Yesterday I felt depressed. Today I feel angry.

I’m wondering.. is my medication enough to get me through real life? Do I need to up my dosage? Or do I need to extend my internal reservoir? And if I do, how do I go about it?

Last night I go to my mum.. “I’m depressed.. but I did go to my classes today!” Which she replied.. “Yeah, you can be depressed and go to work. You can be depressed and go to class”

It’s very true. It’s something I’ve only just lightly grasped. The day before last was hard though. I didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want to keep my eyes open. I didn’t want. I just didn’t want. I ended up leaving that class 20 minutes in.

This morning was frustrating. That class needs a lot of initiative. The tutor gives us our exercise and leaves us to our own devices. I’m assuming his wife is very ill because he’s brought up that she’s sick, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to impact his work too. Yesterday we were given a test which I’m assuming we all failed miserably at. I say this because he gave out a sheet with instructions. So we did that. When I had realised what I had done wrong, I started fixing my mistakes. This made me horribly irritable and angry.

I wanted to smash my head into my laptop. I didn’t though. I collected myself. Did what I needed to do, double checked it and sent if off.

I felt better.. but I still have this fire in my chest.

I think back to when I was most unwell. This is because I recognise this feeling. Angry for no reason.

There must be a reason..

Yesterday I got my marks back from an assignment I did last week. I got 16 1/2 out of 20. I was immensely disappointed in myself. I want better marks. This wasn’t good enough. I’m failing myself and expectations.

I’m being too hard on myself I know.

I talked to my support net, my mum and brother. They rationalised it for me. That’s actually a good mark. It’s 82.5 percent. That’s an -A grade. This made me feel better.

I’m still snow balling though.

I’ve named this post Discontinued because I feel like my positive studious outlook has disappeared.

Aiming for A’s

After making myself feel horrible all week, I feel good right now.

One of my tutors keeps drilling “attendance = achievement” into our heads. He also says that’s only part of it. Attending the classes will help you pass… With C grades. All of my tutors remind us that we have to make the effort in our own time. To study at least 4 hours a week for each class. I’ve been doing exactly that.

Today I realised that I’ve made the commitment to aim for A’s.

I’ve had two tests this week, one last week. The one from last week hasn’t been marked. I got 80% on the second test (worth 10% of that class’ grade overall) and I got full marks on the third test (worth 20% of that class’ grade overall). I’m really stoked with those grades! I know I aced the first one too.

Attendance equals achievement.

Making sure I motivate myself enough to get out of bed each morning, means I will attend my classes.
Making sure I attend my classes means I won’t fall behind.
Keeping up means I can aim for A’s.

Attendance equals achievement.
Achievement can equal A’s.

Priorities

Sorting and allocating priorities has never been a forte of mine.

As my week gets busier and my responsibilities grow, I’ve had to decide what to do and when. Sounds easy but what order do I give them?

On the weekends I go away to a home away from home. This is a place I go to unwind, relax and heal. There are no obligations down there. Just me, my mum and WiFi lol

I’ve started a new job today and I don’t have a set roster yet. Like most weeks before, I would travel there on a Friday evening. Work has asked if I want to go in tomorrow and possibly Sunday.

I know I need the money, although what I have earned today will get me through the week.

The rat race feels like an obligation. In a sense, it is. Some of it is essential. Money. How much money though? I know I don’t need to work a crazy amount of hours to get by.

Part of me tells me I should go, I’ll get more money for the week and be trained faster.

Part of me tells me that I don’t have to. I can make up for that in the coming week. I won’t have another weekend away if I work tomorrow. I need that time to heal and being able to savour it one more time would be good for me.

Sounds like a silly question.

What do I put first? The money? Or my well-being?

I know what I’m going to choose to do. I’m not going to work Saturday and Sunday. If I do then that I will have studied and worked 7 days straight by Sunday. Add on another 4 days at course and that will make 11 days. Thinking and writing it out is making more sense to me.

This weekend I will bid farewell to my home away from home.

I will recharge for the week ahead and get ready for what’s to come.

I’m going to put myself first.

Maybe my managers might not be impressed, I’ve proved that I will be a good worker though.

In an alternate universe

In alternate universes I’m many things. In one I’m a young mother with children in primary school. In another I’m married to my first love. In another I’m a newly graduated nurse.

All the people I started my nursing degree with are all graduating. They’re uploading their photos in their gowns, putting up posts about passing their state exam.

I feel left behind. I know that path wasn’t for me. I can’t help but feel like I failed at going through with it.

I’m being too hard on myself again.

Stunted

I started this post a couple months ago. I never finished it so here goes..

~~~

Since high school I’ve noticed that every 6 months, I’d have… I guess a mental lapse. Back then it looked like an uninterested teenager. Looking back, I see the pattern. Every year I’d start out well. I’d get good grades. My concentration would slip though. I’d drop off after 4 months or so. Get behind in work and studying.. and then give up. The rest of the year would be spent skipping school, staying up late with my noisey mind and sleeping most days. When I did go though, I wouldn’t do any work unless it interested me, if I did I would still lose concentration and the will to try pretty fast.

~~~

How appropriate that I should choose to finish this post now.

Full time study can be rough, depending on the circumstances. Draining. I know this myself, from past experiences.

I don’t feel like this will be the same as before. I’m really excited.

When I was studying to be a Nurse, I often found myself feeling out of place and disinterested.

“Why do you want to be a Nurse?”

I honestly did not know the answer. I still don’t know the answer to that.

“Why do you want to work in IT?”

I don’t have a specific answer to this. In comparison to the first one though, I can talk a lot more. There’s a seed here, that was never sowed in my nursing studies.

Interest? Fascinatination? The unknown?

I’ll admit I don’t know a heck of a lot. I will learn it though, and that excites me.

I know little bits and pieces but not a lot about those bits and pieces. It’s like a Jackson Pollock painting. Different splishes and splashes gliterred here and there, making a cohesive and colourful mess. Art can be interpreted in many ways, depending on how you decide to let yourself think about it. People can see that those tiny splashes are of paint. How is it that these blobs work so cohesively?

I totally got sidetracked just then lol

Anyway, I think.. I will do better this time. I will look at these splodges as a whole network. Being interested and fascinated is part of keeping my concentration. My own efforts will determine the rest.