After thoughts

When I feel low I find ways to distract myself. They’re always unhealthy methods. I’m learning healthy ways to combat it but on days like this I want an easy exit. An effortless escape.

When my dad passed away I drank for a week straight. It was how I got myself to sleep and the how I numbed my mind. I cried myself out. To the point where I didn’t feel anything. Bottled up until I’d explode in an exhausting explosion of sorrow and pain. I feel like drinking.

For years I’d play games. There was always something to do. Things to make. People to talk to. Its that sort of endless game where anything is possible. So many things to do in different ways. So many things to make that work to make and do different things. A sense of accomplishment after moving further into the game. A great distraction. Everyone on the game talked about the game. It’s easy immerse yourself into a made up world. I feel like gaming.

One thing I don’t feel like doing is harming myself. That’s the one thing I know for sure hurts others around me. It’s an unfair escape.

In my mind I’m thinking of ways to distract myself from the awful memories and thoughts I have.

I feel like feeling sorry for myself. It’s so much easier being weaker but I know the return is null. It takes effort being strong when you’re always putting yourself down, hiding. The dark is comfortable. It’s an awkward comfortable because.. well.. it’s dark. Its ignorance. They say that ignorance is bliss. It feels that way even though opening your mind and feelings are so much more fruitful.

If I want to pick the best ripened fruits on the top of the tree then I need to find a way to get to them. It’s easier picking the fruits on the ground. If I want the best I need to be productive. Climb the tree, get a ladder. I don’t want rotting fruit. I want the best fruit. If I hold myself back then I can’t do that.

Not every day is like this. There are other days where I’ll lift my arms to pick the better fruit hanging off the tree. I’ll make more of an effort. Little steps.

Blogging helps. Storing these thoughts in my mind hurt. Like using coarse sand paper on a tomato. Sometimes that’s what it feels like. Irritable scratching on the walls of my mind. Claws and finger nails. “Let me out!”

Talking with my counsellor today we touched on being exposed and naked. Putting it out on display of sorts. Laying my thoughts and memories out in the light. I mentioned sunlight being a good sanitiser to her. It’s true. These feelings don’t need to be locked away. In my mind I imagined my thoughts and feelings dissolving. There’s always residue. It doesn’t have to be bad residue. It’s breaking it down into its raw elements and essence. Atomizing it and seeing what the thoughts and feelings are really made of.

Everything is quantative. Time, matter, thoughts and feelings. Made up of smaller bits and even more smaller pieces. You can dissect and chip away at each layer and the components that make up each layer. Observing, learning and taking notes.

Some things are more dense than others. At least the top layers can be anyway.

Not many people like feeling exposed. It’s how we discover things though.

Discovery can be scary
It can also be exciting.

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