Discontinued

Yesterday I felt depressed. Today I feel angry.

I’m wondering.. is my medication enough to get me through real life? Do I need to up my dosage? Or do I need to extend my internal reservoir? And if I do, how do I go about it?

Last night I go to my mum.. “I’m depressed.. but I did go to my classes today!” Which she replied.. “Yeah, you can be depressed and go to work. You can be depressed and go to class”

It’s very true. It’s something I’ve only just lightly grasped. The day before last was hard though. I didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want to keep my eyes open. I didn’t want. I just didn’t want. I ended up leaving that class 20 minutes in.

This morning was frustrating. That class needs a lot of initiative. The tutor gives us our exercise and leaves us to our own devices. I’m assuming his wife is very ill because he’s brought up that she’s sick, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to impact his work too. Yesterday we were given a test which I’m assuming we all failed miserably at. I say this because he gave out a sheet with instructions. So we did that. When I had realised what I had done wrong, I started fixing my mistakes. This made me horribly irritable and angry.

I wanted to smash my head into my laptop. I didn’t though. I collected myself. Did what I needed to do, double checked it and sent if off.

I felt better.. but I still have this fire in my chest.

I think back to when I was most unwell. This is because I recognise this feeling. Angry for no reason.

There must be a reason..

Yesterday I got my marks back from an assignment I did last week. I got 16 1/2 out of 20. I was immensely disappointed in myself. I want better marks. This wasn’t good enough. I’m failing myself and expectations.

I’m being too hard on myself I know.

I talked to my support net, my mum and brother. They rationalised it for me. That’s actually a good mark. It’s 82.5 percent. That’s an -A grade. This made me feel better.

I’m still snow balling though.

I’ve named this post Discontinued because I feel like my positive studious outlook has disappeared.

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