The weather is lousy today. It’s grey and damp, even in winter there’s a feeling of humidity in the air. Wet and miserable.
Feelings today are reflecting the weather. I’m tired and slow. I feel unmotivated, I have for the past week.
Shoulders keep hunching over, chest feels tight yet bloated.
I caught myself forgetting to breathe in class today.
Never forget to breathe.
I understand the feeling in my chest is because I keep forgetting to breathe.
I catch myself holding my breath, pushing down on my diaphragm.
Today, I want to curl up into a ball. The smallest thing could send me into a panic attack today. That’s how I feel.
My earliest memory of feeling this way, leads back to my pre-teen years. This feeling of impending doom. Feeling anxious and nervous for no reason. I hate this feeling.
I know I am blooming, I should give myself credit.
I don’t feel like I deserve it though.
When I was in high school, we would be given creative writing assignments.. as you would.
One year a teacher tried to make my change a sentence. It had something to do with wet dog smell and the word aroma. She wanted to me change that word aroma because wet dog smell does not have positive connotations attached to it. It baffles me to this day, that she tried to make me change it. Just to fit in her box. In the context, I was referring to the smell being nostalgic. She couldn’t wrap her head around it.
I know I am blooming, yet I can’t help but feel that there is a cloud of doom ahead of me.
There is no reason for this. I’m doing well at school. I’ve started working (I got my first pay today!). Life at home is good too.
Why do I stop breathing?
Why do I have to make such a positive space… negative.
It’s like buying something that’s discounted. I always think there’s something wrong with it, when it’s absolutely fine.
This is the start of self sabotage.
In the past it has always started here.
It snow balls into failure.
The last thing I want to do is fail.