Relapse?

I’ve been lapping up feeling stable. Feeling like I’m a functioning human being. Being emersed in the land of the living.

Today though, was like so many I’ve had before. I felt as if I wanted to be still. Before going back to sleep at around noon I thought to myself… I feel like being motionless, like being still. I felt safe under my blankets. I watched the tree swaying around outside my window and thought, I used to do this. I used to lie in bed watching the tree swaying. Under blankets feeling safe and sleepy. Some days I would watch the clouds go by for hours. No music, no sound. Just me. Being nothing, feeling nothing. I felt invisible and untouchable. Unreachable. Off the grid.

I guess the last fortnight has been so busy, my mind just shut off today. Recharging. I’m an introvert so naturally I need my “me time”.

I can’t imagine feeling this every day anymore. Although, I’m starting a new chapter and I hope I can manage it. From next week I will be studying fulltime and I’m waiting on hearing back from a part time job. I had a trial shift yesterday.

I can’t repeat old habits. I need to fight harder. I need to grow up so I can feel as if I’m not stuck in the mud. As if I’m not motionless all the time.

I’ve been enjoying my time in the land of the living.
I hope to have a permanent spot here. It’s wishful thinking but I know it’s possible.

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