Minty and the Chocolate Factory

When I was first diagnosed with type 2 bi-polar and cyclic depression, I initially tip toed around the two. I thought to myself “you’re the reason I am who I am! And the reason why i’ve always been the way I am!”

Growing up I’ve always felt a certain way. Suspended just above reality. Gravity has no pull and as I reach for the ground, it’s sometimes just out of reach. Other days Earth looks like a little blue and green dot in the distance. Out of reach. This was my norm. I had no ties to a partner or grown up responsibilities when I was young. As I got older, these real life things became more apparent in my life though. I realised my norm wasn’t the norm. Other people aren’t like this. Being this way was effecting my relationships. In the real world, being this way wasn’t realistic or productive.

There’s a scene in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film. Charlie and his grandad have a sneaky sip from a mysterious bottle of soda. They started floating. Up and up. Higher and higher. They swam through the air laughing. They realised they were still ascending. As they did, they saw that they were heading to a big giant metal fan. They started to panic. Eventually they figured out how to lower themselves. By burping! Sometimes I feel like this.. I burp once.. come closer to the ground, except the only difference is that sometimes I float up again into that impending metal fan.

My burps are my meds. Medication doesn’t work for everyone but it seems to work for me. Sometimes when I feel well enough I forget to take them. Sometimes I decide that I don’t need them. That’s when I float up a bit. For me, that metal fan represents hospitalisation, loss of loved ones and ruined relationships and suicide.

Although, not everyone is this way.. some people are. There isn’t anything to be ashamed of. We are all created differently. Some days this feels like a burden, other days it feels like a weapon to take on life. Hardening my shell in a way.

I am not ashamed of the way I am. I feel like there is no reason not to be open.

I want to share.

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